


The Writing's On the Wall

by LordValeryMimes



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst, M/M, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-09
Updated: 2014-09-09
Packaged: 2018-02-16 15:57:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 22,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2275755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LordValeryMimes/pseuds/LordValeryMimes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The effects of Rimmer's centuries of imprisonment on Rimmerworld have taken a far greater toll on the hologram than any of the crew of Red Dwarf could have imagined.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks go out to my beta-reader Holly, for all her help, inspiration and enthusiasm. I probably never would have finished this without her. :)
> 
> Thanks to Rob Grant and Doug Naylor for creating these characters so I could make them get up to all kinds of smeg with one another.

"Stop! Please don’t! Stop! STOP!”

Lister jolted awake with a start at the sound of the screaming. _Not again_ , he thought.

“Stop! Please stop! No! Please, no!” 

Rimmer lay beside him, curled in the fetal position with his hands clasped over his ears. He began to violently twist and buck against some invisible assailants. Lister quickly wrapped one arm around the hologram’s waist and pulled him close.

“Quiet man, you’re having another bad dream.” Lister whispered like a mother comforting a crying child while he stroked Rimmer’s hair gently. He pressed his chin down against the top of the hologram's head, cocooning his body around him. He could feel Rimmer trembling against him, his body vibrating enough to make Lister’s teeth chatter.

“No, no. No more. Please, no!” 

“It’s ok Rimmer, it’s me, it’s Lister. We’re back on Starbug, everything’s fine.” Lister murmured in Rimmer’s ear. “Just settle down, yeah? Everything’s ok man.” Gradually the shaking started to subside and he could feel Rimmer’s tensed up muscles begin to relax.

Lister continued to stroke Rimmer’s hair and whisper soothing sounds in his ear. After a few minutes, the shaking stopped and he heard Rimmer resume breathing again. The hologram hitched in one shuddery breath and started to quietly sob. Lister held Rimmer tighter and felt a lump growing in his own throat. No matter how many times this happened he never got used to it; hearing Rimmer cry. He was so accustomed to the hologram being composed and emotionally distant. It pained Lister deeply, knowing how badly Rimmer must be hurting to allow himself to cry so nakedly in front of someone else.

“Listy?” Rimmer’s voice was thick with tears, “Listy… I’m so sorry, it’s all my fault. All my fault.” He twisted in the bunk to face Lister and buried his head in the crook of the smaller man’s shoulder. Lister could feel the wetness of Rimmer’s hologramatic tears for only seconds before they evaporated into nothing against his skin. Lister held Rimmer close for a moment, feeling the lean muscles under the hologram’s t-shirt. The contrast was never lost on Lister. With his hard-light drive Rimmer was stronger than any normal man, yet here he was weeping uncontrollably in a much weaker man’s arms. Lister was never quite sure how that made him feel.

“Rimmer, stop blaming yourself man. Everyone makes mistakes.” He pressed a kiss against the H on Rimmer’s forehead. “You’re with me again, everything's going to be fine.”

“I’m a coward,” Rimmer mumbled into Lister’s shoulder, “A horrible, gutless, spineless, smegging coward and I deserved everything that happened to me.”

The words hit Lister in the gut like an icy bullet. “No man, don’t say that, no one deserves what happened to you.” Although he spoke with complete sincerity, Lister couldn’t shake the feeling that he was reading from a script. _How many times have I said those exact words now? Ten? Twelve? How many more times will I say them?_ His responses were beginning to feel as artificial as canned laughter.

Rimmer struggled to get out words as harder sobs began to wrack his body, “I don’t deserve you Listy. I’ve never deserved you. You're a much better man than I am, than I’ll ever be.”

Lister pulled Rimmer’s head up with his hands and pressed their foreheads together, the H emblem felt hot against his skin.

“That’s enough of that smeg. You’ve been through more than I could ever imagine Rimmer, and you’re stronger than I could ever be.”

“I wish you’d never come back for me,” Rimmer wailed, “I deserved to be left there. I deserved what I got, for what I did to you.”

“Rimmer, look at me man. Look at me you insufferable smeghead.” Caught off-guard by the insult, Rimmer raised his reddened eyes and looked into Lister’s brown ones as they fixed him with an intense stare. 

“I would never have left you. You hear me? Never. Even if I’d been the one having to wait six hundred years, I still would have come for you. I’m just sorry you had to wait that long. I’m sorry you had to go through all this. But believe me man, I would never have left you behind. You mean too much to me, you always have.” Lister used his thumbs to brush away the tear tracks underneath Rimmer’s eyes. 

Rimmer hitched in a breath, “Listy, I don’t ever want to be away from you again.” He pressed forward urgently, falling into Lister’s lips. Lister leaned into the kiss, bracing himself for what he knew would come next. Suddenly Rimmer’s arms were around him, nearly crushing him. The hologram clung to him with the ferocity of a drowning man clinging to a life ring. Lister gently pushed into the fervent embrace. 

“You’ll never be away from me again Rimmer, I promise.” Lister dove into Rimmer’s mouth and the hologram moaned as he pulled him closer. Rimmer’s death-grip on Lister loosened as he became swept up in the kiss. Lister could taste the salt of Rimmer’s tears on his lips and he was hit with a pang of guilt as the hologram pressed into him more urgently.

Even though they repeated these same fumblings in the bunk night after night, he couldn’t help but feel that he was somehow taking advantage of Rimmer’s emotional state. He could feel the swell of Rimmer’s hardness pressing against his thigh and he pushed the nagging feelings to the back of his head as he fumbled with the front of the hologram’s boxers. Now wasn’t the time to think. Right now Rimmer needed him, and as much as he hated to admit it to himself, he needed Rimmer.


	2. Chapter 2

Lister awoke in the bunk the next morning, feeling bleary from lack of sleep. He rubbed his hands over his eyes and felt for Rimmer, but apart from a crumpled sheet and a few stiffened stains, the bunk was empty.

“Rimmer? Rimmer where are you?” Lister’s voice was hoarse from sleep and he could hear a low hum coming from the other side of the room. He sat up and noticed a Rimmer-shaped lump underneath the blankets in the spare bunk. Lister sighed and ran a hand over his hair before walking over to sit next to Rimmer. The hologram had pulled the blanket over his head so only his hands were visible. He was using his index finger to push two shiny balls the size of marbles around in his palm. He turned the balls in his hand in time to the tune he was humming. Lister wasn’t sure, but he thought it was, Getting To Know You.

“Rimmer, what the smeg are you doing?” Lister pulled the blanket back from Rimmer’s head and the hologram looked at him with a blank stare.

“Hello? Earth to Arnold J. Rimmer,” Lister said waving his hand in front of Rimmer’s face. “Anyone there?”

Rimmer looked as if he were working out a particularly difficult algebra equation. After a moment his eyes lit up with a sense of recognition.

“Oh yes, Derek! Derek Custer! How good to see you again!”

“No Rimmer, it’s DAVE remember? Dave Lister?”

“Oh no I’m quite sure it’s Derek, I never forget a face,” Rimmer went back to spinning the miniscule worry balls in his hand, his expression vacant.

“Rimmer look at me man, would you look at me?” Lister grabbed Rimmer’s head in his hands and pulled it towards him. “I’m Dave Lister. You, me, Cat and Kryten were all traveling on Red Dwarf together, remember? We rescued you weeks ago and you’re back here on Starbug with us. You were trapped on a planet for hundreds of years but you’re back now and you’re safe.”

“Safe?” A dark shadow suddenly flashed across Rimmer’s features, “I’m never safe here. Never.” He pulled the blanket back over his head and resumed his humming, spinning the balls even faster in his hand.

“Rimmer please. Please look at me," Lister pleaded, his voice weary. "Please just talk to me." The hologram remained silent, apart from the humming which grew louder and more frantic. Lister grabbed Rimmer's shoulders and fought back the urge to shake some sense into him. Rimmer pulled away and began to urgently rock himself back and forth. Lister let go of the hologram and sat back on the mattress with a sigh. He'd learned from experience that it was best to leave Rimmer alone until the episode passed.

Lister stood and gathered his crumpled clothes from the floor. After pulling them on he leaned down to look at Rimmer. "I'll be back soon man, I hope you'll be here then." He pressed a nearly weightless kiss against the hologram’s curls and stood up with a yawn. He cast one last glance over his shoulder at Rimmer before stepping out into the hallway.

Starbug was silent save for the rhythmic humming of the engines. Lister listened to the soft clack of his boots against the corridor floor as he walked to the galley. _That's what the last human in the universe sounds like_ , he thought idly. _A pair of lone boots, stomping down an empty hallway._ The thought didn't help his mood.

Lister was hoping to be greeted by a cheerful Kryten with a pot of hot coffee, but the metallic walls of the galley were empty and silent. Lister sat down in a chair with a thump. He put his elbows up on the table and pressed the heels of his hands to his forehead. He massaged his skin in a circular motion, wishing that he could rub away all the thoughts swirling in his head. _I’ve got too much on me mind. It would be nice to not have to think for a little while. Everything’s just gotten so smegging complicated and Rimmer just keeps getting worse. What the smeg am I going to do?_

Lister leaned back and fumbled around in his trouser pocket. He pulled out a crumpled cellophane packet and withdrew one half-crushed cigarette. He had tried to cut back drastically on his smoking since they'd lost Red Dwarf, in order to conserve supplies. However, since the events on Rimmerworld, all thoughts of conservation had gone out the window.

Lister lit the precious cigarette with a flourish and took a long slow drag. He held it between his fingers and blew a couple of smoke rings. Lister watched as the rings drifted over the table and evaporated near the spot where he, Rimmer, Kryten and Cat had materialized after teleporting back from Rimmerworld. Lister exhaled slowly, relishing the feel of the smoke leaving his lungs, and leaned back in his chair. _That's where it all started between us. Smeg, so much's happened since then._

Lister took another drag and let his mind wander back to the last few weeks. He often wondered if maybe he should have behaved differently on the day that they rescued Rimmer, but he always came to the conclusion that he couldn’t, and wouldn't have done anything differently. After all, he was only human.


	3. Chapter 3

After teleporting from the cell on Rimmerworld and returning to Starbug and their correct timeline, Kryten and the Cat headed to the cockpit while Lister remained with Rimmer. The hologram was looking around him with an expression on his face that was a peculiar mixture of shock, fear and happiness. Lister watched Rimmer with some concern as he noticed the hologram was shaking all over. Lister reached out and gave Rimmer's shoulder a gentle pat. "You alright man? I know it's probably a shock being back but..."

Rimmer started at the hand on his shoulder and turned to look at Lister. The look made the words dry up on Lister's tongue. He'd never seen Rimmer look at him like that before. He’d never seen Rimmer look at anything like that before, not even his photo collection of telegraph poles. He was looking at Lister with what could only be described as adoration. It was unnerving.

Lister shifted uncomfortably from side-to-side under Rimmer’s stare. His eyes still locked on Lister's, Rimmer placed his palm over the smaller man’s hand and squeezed it gently.

"Listy," he said softly. "Is it really you? Am I really here? This isn't a dream?"

Lister managed a weak smile and replied, "I’m afraid so, ya smeghead. It’ll take more than a planet full of insane Rimmer-clones to stop Dave Lister." He was desperately trying to ease his discomfort with a familiar insult and some bravado. _What the smeg is he going on about? And why is he looking at me like that? And why do I think that I LIKE him looking at me like that?_ Lister’s heart began to beat feverishly in his chest and he found himself unable to look away from Rimmer’s intense eyes.

Rimmer grabbed Lister's other arm by the wrist, and before he could object, the hologram had pulled him close and embraced him. Lister was so stunned that he couldn’t speak, or even think for that matter. The hologram was trembling so strongly he was practically vibrating against Lister. Rimmer’s hands pressed into Lister’s back and began kneading and pawing at the thick fabric of his parka. Lister simply stood there, his hands limp by his sides while Rimmer clung to him like his non-life depended on it. _What the smeg is he doing? He never hugs me, he never hugs anyone!_

Lister’s heart began to hammer an even faster rhythm against his sternum when he realized that the close contact with Rimmer's warm body was beginning to make parts of his own body respond in unexpected ways. _Oh smeg no. I know it's been a while, but there is no smegging way that is happening._ Lister desperately tried to shift his pelvis away from the hologram without making his intentions too obvious.

Lister wet his lips with his tongue and was about to say something, anything to ease the awkwardness of the situation, when Rimmer suddenly pressed his face into the crook of Lister’s neck and inhaled deeply. Feeling the hologram's nose prodding one of his more sensitive erogenous zones snapped Lister out of his shocked state.

“Rimmer man! What the smeg are you doing?” Lister pushed away from the hologram but had his breath knocked out of him as Rimmer pulled him back as easily as if Lister had been a yo-yo. Rimmer’s hazel eyes were a swirl of emotions and tears as he reached up his hands to hold Lister’s face.

“Lister, I love you.”

“You what?” Lister gasped as he struggled to regain his breath.

“I’ve loved you for literally hundreds of years but I was never able to bring myself to tell you.”

Lister tried to pull away, but the hologram's grip on him wouldn't budge. “You’ve gone mad Rimmer! You’re space crazy, you know that? You don’t love me, you hate me! You’ve always hated me! There’s not been one day passed between us where you’ve not told me how disgusting or stupid I am.” Lister looked anxiously about him, trying to look anywhere else but at Rimmer’s piercing eyes. _He’s either taking the smeg or he’s gone completely barmy! Where the smeg are Cat and Kryten?_

“You don’t understand Lister. I’ve always loved you, but I was never able to tell you. Smeg I wasn’t even able to admit it to myself until you were gone and I was so dreadfully alone for so very long.” Lister dragged his eyes back to Rimmer and was alarmed to find that the hologram looked completely sane. For all the ragged emotion burning in his eyes, there was no sign of madness.

“But why me? Why would you love me? You can’t stand anything about me!”

A rare smile spread across Rimmer’s lips and he relaxed his grip on Lister's shoulders. “Lister, you are the antithesis of everything that my father always wanted me to be. You're lazy, you've got no ambition, you’re slobby and you’re uneducated, but I’ve loved you from the first moment that I met you. You’re everything that I wished I could have been, if I’d had the guts to stand up to my father and tell him to “smeg off”. I never wanted to be a conniving, weasley, unlikeable git, I’ve always wished I could be someone like you Lister. You’re the most genuine man that I’ve ever known. You’re also loving, caring, brave, kind, thoughtful, and if I may be so bold, you’re smegging gorgeous.”

Lister’s mouth fell open as he tried to speak, but his brain began to misfire as it struggled to process what Rimmer was saying to him. _Gorgeous? What alternative reality have I stumbled into where Rimmer finds ME gorgeous?_ All he could manage to get out was, “I don’t… I don’t…”

“Look Lister, I don’t expect you to understand, not right away anyway. All those years, all I could think about was you, and how much I missed you, and how much I regretted that I never told you how I felt while we were together. But I was a coward back then, and I was in denial about how I felt. Once you were gone though, I realized just how much you meant to me. I dreamt of you every night, I thought about you every second of every day when I wasn’t...” Something flashed in Rimmer’s eyes and he paused for an almost imperceptible moment before continuing.

“I love you Dave Lister. I can’t let another moment go by without telling you how much I love you, how much I’ve always loved you. If I weren’t already dead, it would have killed me to be away from you for all of that time. I know I’m not a great man, or even really a man anymore for that matter. I know that I’m a smeggy, gormless, insufferable waste of a hard-light drive, but I love you, and I need you, so I hope you’ll forgive me for this.” In one swift motion Rimmer pulled Lister’s head up and pressed his hologramatic lips against Lister’s flesh and blood ones.

Lister's cerebellum imploded as it tried in vain to process this new sensory input. Rimmer was kissing him. RIMMER. What’s more, the kiss was amazing. Even if it hadn’t been over three million years since he’d had a proper kiss, this kiss would still have knocked him senseless. Rimmer’s mouth was soft and warm and eager and he seemed to instinctively use his lips and tongue in just the right way to make Lister melt against him. Lister’s legs turned to jelly, his insides were on fire, his heart was trying to hammer its way out of his chest and his shorts suddenly felt several sizes too small. Before he even realized what he was doing, his hands were entwined in Rimmer’s hair, pulling him closer so he could probe his mouth even deeper. The kiss seemed to drag on forever, but Lister’s libido still shrieked in protest when Rimmer suddenly pulled away with a gasp.

Lister knew immediately that something was wrong. Rimmer’s eyes rolled back and the firm hands at the back of Lister’s head became limp and dropped to the hologram’s sides.

“Rimmer, what’s wrong?” Rimmer's knees buckled and Lister just managed to catch him under the arms before he collapsed completely. Lister was so amped up on adrenaline that he barely noticed the extra weight as he gently lowered Rimmer to the floor.

“Kryten! Cat! Something's wrong with Rimmer!” Lister cradled Rimmer’s head in his lap while the others rushed in from the cockpit.

“Mister Lister sir, what’s happened?”

“I dunno, we were… we were just... just talking, and then he just... fell over,” Lister finished lamely. He was certain the others must be able to hear the mad pounding of his heart in his chest and he could feel a blush creeping onto his cheeks. He quickly licked his lips, worried that their snog session might have left a visible stamp that he needed to erase. Lister gently shook the hologram’s head from side to side but there was no response. Rimmer’s eyes were closed, his jaw slack.

“What’s happened to goal-post head? Did he catch a look at his reflection again? That nearly makes me faint every day,” Cat said as he clutched dramatically at his heart.

“I think something’s really wrong with him,” said Lister. “What do you think it could be Krytes? Another holo-virus or something?”

“I can’t be certain sir," the mechanoid said as he propped opened one of Rimmer's eyelids with his thumb. "But I suggest we take him to the medibay immediately and run a full diagnostic."

“Alright Kryten, you grab one of his legs, Cat you grab the other one and I’ll handle this end.”

“Me? Touch one of his legs?" Cat looked aghast and straightened his jacket. "Oh no, I don’t think so. I’d sooner pour sexual magnetism virus over my head and fling myself into the middle of tryouts for an ugly contest!"

“Look, just do it Cat or I’m going to cancel Fish Fry Friday this week,” said Lister with a glare.

Cat grumbled for a few moments and bared his fangs. “Fine, just this once. But can I at least change first? His trousers against this outfit? That’s going to clash more than a stripper at a convent.”

“Cat would you just do it? C’mon!” Cat rolled his eyes in disgust and reluctantly grabbed Rimmer's leg with the tips of his fingers.

The three of them carried the comatose hologram to the medibay and hoisted him up onto the table. Cat dropped Rimmer’s leg with a yowl and immediately began grooming himself as he glided back to the cockpit.

Lister stood with a furrowed brow, chewing on his thumbnail while Kryten hooked some sensors to Rimmer’s temples. "So what do you think Krytes? What do you reckon's wrong with him?"

"I won't know for sure until I finish the scan sir," said the mechanoid while he fussed a bit over the hologram's limp form. "But he appears to have simply fainted.”

“Fainted? Really?” Lister couldn’t keep a smirk off of his face. _Yeah kissing me sometimes has that effect on people. Never imagined it would work on Rimmer though. Not bad, over three million years old and I've still got “it”._

“I’m fairly certain sir. Considering the ordeal that Mister Rimmer has been through, it’s not surprising. Coming back here was probably quite a shock.”

“Right, I’m sure that’s what it was.” _It definitely wasn’t the incredible mind-melting snog we just had together._ Lister felt inwardly gleeful, knowing that tidbit of knowledge might very well make Kryten’s head explode. But he also felt slightly panicked. _What the smeg is wrong with me? Why am I feeling happy about kissing the biggest smeghead in the universe? I can’t stand him, he’s a complete and total prat._ Lister glanced down at Rimmer’s lips and noticed that they were still slightly reddened and glistening. _Smeg. It did feel fantastic though._

“Should we wake him up then?” Lister looked down at Rimmer’s still figure. “Y’know, waft some smelling salts under his nose or something? They always do that in films.”

Kryten shook his head. “It might be best if we let him sleep until he wakes up on his own. The rest will probably be quite beneficial for him. Also I would like to run some further tests to better assess his condition. Mister Rimmer was quite stressed the last time that I examined him and his experience on Rimmerworld can’t have improved his condition.” Kryten hooked up a couple more sensors to Rimmer’s head.

A sinking sensation suddenly hit Lister in his stomach. “So there might be something seriously wrong with him?” _Maybe he really is space crazy and he didn't even realize what he was doing, or what he was saying._

“Mister Rimmer was already in a very fragile state before this ordeal. If you add onto that his hundreds of years of imprisonment, his stress levels have probably increased exponentially. He is likely suffering from a very severe form of post-traumatic stress disorder, if not a full-blown psychological breakdown."

"Post-traumatic stress disorder? What, you mean like soldiers used to get?"

"Not just soldiers sir, anyone who goes through a particularly traumatic event: war, abuse, a Cliff Richard concert, could develop the disorder."

"Smeg. Well how do we find out if he really has it then? We can't exactly ring up the nearest psychiatrist and say, 'Excuse me please sir, but would you mind picking our hologram’s brain and find out what's wrong with him?'"

The mechanoid tapped his fingers together as he thought. "It would be possible for me to connect to Mister Rimmer's memory files. I could then review them and that might give us the answers that we need."

"Alright then, do it Krytes, we need to find out whether he’s ok or not," said Lister. _Smeg. I hope he doesn’t think to look at the last ten minutes of Rimmer’s memory. Now is not the time for him to shock his brain into a short-circuit._

"Quite right sir," said Kryten, plugging some wires into his groinal socket. Lister stared in a way that only someone who's accidentally caught their parents shagging can stare.

"Do you really have to use that thing?" Lister said, his eyes bulging.

"My groinal socket is a fully functional electronics port sir, and it does contain a direct hyper-fast connection to my synthetic brain. It would be the fastest and most optimum way to make the connection. Would you prefer if I unscrewed my head?" Kryten looked at Lister with genuine concern.

"Whatever man, just make it quick for my sake," Lister said as he rubbed his forehead with his hand. His mind was swimming in a sea of confusion. _What the smegging smeg just happened? Did Rimmer mean all of that or was he having some sort of a fit? He said that he loved me, did he really mean it? We were kissing! Rimmer and I kissing! And I LIKED it! Maybe I should ask Krytes to hook me up and examine MY head!_

Kryten put his hands on his hips and began to do some slow and deliberate thrusting motions with his pelvis. Lister pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes. _I'm not seeing that. I am NOT seeing that. Just when I thought the universe couldn’t get any crazier. One minute I'm snogging Rimmer, and the next I’ve got a crazy mechanoid next to me wiggling his hips like smegging Elvis._

“All right sir, that seems to have done it,” Kryten said pulling Lister out of his dazed revery. “I’ve downloaded Mister Rimmer’s memory files to my own memory banks and I can now wirelessly upload them to the navicomp. The next step is just reviewing them.”

“How long’s that going to take?” Lister, realizing that he’d chewed his thumb-nail down to the quick, crossed his arms over his chest and tucked his hands into his armpits.

“There are hundreds of files covering centuries of time. It may take me at least a few days to review all of them. However I can process the files while still performing all of my other duties.” Kryten removed the sensors from Rimmer's head and began unplugging his crotch, much to Lister's relief. “I can stay here and tend to Mister Rimmer if you’d prefer to do something else, perhaps take a bit of rest sir? Please forgive my bluntness Mister Lister, but you’re not looking particularly well yourself. Do you feel feverish?” Kryten placed a hand on Lister’s forehead and Lister batted it away.

“I’m fine Krytes, honestly. Look why don’t you go take care of some ironing for a little while? I’ll stay here and keep an eye on Rimmer until he wakes up.” Lister shrugged out of his parka and tossed it aside before pulling a stool over to the side of the medibay table to sit by the hologram.

“Are you quite certain Mister Lister sir?” The mechanoid’s features bowed into a worried frown. “We don’t know how much Mister Rimmer’s experience may have affected him. He could possibly be dangerous, particularly to you.”

“Rimmer? Dangerous to me? Don’t worry Krytes,” said Lister slapping the mechanoid on the back. “I think I can handle old smeg-for-brains myself if he gets up to any funny business. You enjoy your ironing, but get to work on those files,” Lister tried to force a carefree looking smile on his face.

“If you insist sir, please do be careful though.” Kryten’s face remained contorted in a clear expression of displeasure as he turned and marched down the hallway.

 _I wonder what’s eating him? He’s usually gleeful at the mere mention of anything to do with laundry. He’s probably just overreacting to all of this business with Rimmer._ Lister pushed Kryten from his mind, sat back on the stool and gnawed at his lower lip, the memory of Rimmer’s kiss still clinging to it like an errant crumb. Now that his libido had settled down and he was able to just sit and think, a pack of doubts and uncertainties were starting to nibble hungrily at the back of his mind.

The more analytical part of his brain was screaming at him in protest. This was Rimmer, smeghead extraordinaire, the man who opted to save his own skin and left the rest of them to die on the simulant ship. The thought fanned the still-burning embers of anger in the pit of his stomach. Hundreds of years had passed between that Rimmer, and the Rimmer who lay unconscious before him, but the memories of the recent past were still too fresh in his mind to completely discount them.

Rimmer’s professions of love had seemed sincere enough to Lister, but who knew what had gone on during those hundreds of years he was imprisoned. Maybe he’d gone mad and wasn't even fully aware of what he was saying.

The Rimmer who they rescued from Rimmerworld was clearly not the same man that Lister remembered from just a few hours ago. In spite of this, he couldn’t just believe that Rimmer meant what he said; not with any degree of ease. After years of being the target of insults that covered everything from his personal grooming habits to his literacy levels, Lister couldn't help feeling uneasy when faced with a Rimmer who spewed compliments and declarations of affection. All that aside, it had still felt nice to hear someone say those words.

Kissing Rimmer had felt fantastic, Lister couldn't deny that. Nor could he deny that his heart had done flip-flops when Rimmer had told him that he loved him. The hologram's eyes had been filled with a warmth and desperation that Lister had never seen before, not just from Rimmer, but from anyone.

Being the only man left in the universe, Lister lived with a nearly indescribable sense of loneliness. He was mostly able to keep his emotions in check, but occasionally the sadness did get to him. Knowing that there was someone out there who might genuinely love him, gave him a glimmer of hope that there might be more to his existence than just a lonely slog through outer space. If Rimmer truly loved him, maybe there was a chance that he could actually have some real happiness beyond the base pleasures of a curry washed down with a can of lager. Pleasures that were starting to ring hollow after so many years.

Lister sucked in a breath and exhaled slowly. He reached out a hand and gently began stroking the side of Rimmer’s face. The hologram almost looked peaceful without one of his usual sour looks contorting his features, maybe even a bit handsome. _Rimmer handsome, thought Lister. Now I’m really starting to lose it. Never thought I’d ever find the smeghead handsome._

Lister found his mind wandering again to that incredible kiss and his face grew hot. No one had ever kissed him like that before, and Lister had kissed a fair amount of people. His eyes wandered to Rimmer’s lips. More than anything he wanted to lose himself in those lips again. He wanted to feel them against him, run his tongue over them, feel Rimmer pressed close to him. He let his fingers sink into the hologram’s thick curls and he groaned inwardly as the memory of the kiss washed over him.

Suddenly Rimmer began to stir. Lister sat up with a jolt and pulled his hand out of Rimmer’s hair. The hologram moaned and turned onto his side before lifting up his hands to rub his eyes. He looked about him and started a bit when he noticed Lister so close by his side.

Lister’s head was swarming with thoughts and he struggled to think of what to say to Rimmer. He wanted to kiss him and he wanted to slap him. He wanted to hold him tight and he wanted to push him away. He wanted to scream at him and he wanted to stare into his eyes. In the end, he settled on a simple, “Hi,” and hoped that Rimmer couldn’t detect the slight emotional quaver in his voice.

A wide smile spread across Rimmer’s face. “You’re still here.” He leaned his head back on the medibay table and breathed a deep sigh of contentment. “It wasn’t a dream then, I’m really back. I’m really here.”

“Sorry, but yeah, you’re stuck with us man,” Lister said said with a grin. _Smeg he’s got such a nice smile. How have I never noticed that before? Have I ever even seen him smile before? A real smile?_

“Why am I in the medibay?” Rimmer asked as he pulled himself into a sitting position.

“You sort of fainted, so Kryten, Cat and I brought you here. Do you remember at all? I mean, what was happening before you fainted?” Lister could feel his ears growing hot again as his mind recreated the scene for him in exquisite detail.

Rimmer swung his legs to the side of the table and looked down at the floor, “I remember Listy, and I’m sorry about that.”

“Sorry? Sorry for what?” Lister hopped off the stool and tipped his head down so he could see Rimmer’s face.

“I’m sorry for… forcing myself on you like that." Rimmer let out a ragged sigh. "It wasn’t fair of me to put you in that position. I know how I feel about you, but I’ve no idea how you feel about me. I hope you can forgive me for being so… bold. I just didn’t want the moment to slip away from me again.” The hologram looked weary as he closed his eyes.

“Don’t apologize man." Lister stood between Rimmer’s legs and placed a hand on the hologram’s shoulder. _Damn but he’s got such broad sexy shoulders. I wonder what the rest of him feels like? Smeg man what’s he done to me?_

Lister shook his head slightly, trying to clear it of thoughts of Rimmer's newfound sexiness. “Now look, I’ll admit the kiss did catch me a bit by surprise, but I just wasn’t expecting it. All these years we’ve spent together I’ve always thought you hated me. Now you're telling me that you love me. It's kind of a lot to process, yeah? You’ve had centuries to figure out your feelings and I haven’t had that. For me, in a matter of hours you’ve gone from being the git who saved yourself in an escape pod and left the rest of us to die, to being the git who tells me that he loves me and tries to pry my tonsils out with his tongue. It’s all just a bit sudden for me that’s all. It might take a while for me to work out how I feel about all of this.” He squeezed Rimmer’s shoulders and marveled at the firmness of the muscles under his fingers. _How do I feel about all of this? I feel like I want to tear all of your smegging clothes off and jump your bones, that’s how I feel. Man, I'm an absolute slag._ Lister's libido began to make itself known again as his boxers grew tight. He shifted uncomfortably as he resisted the urge to jump on Rimmer like a hungry lion on a piece of meat.

“I’m sorry for pushing you so soon Listy. We can take things as slowly as you like. If you want we can just talk about things. I know that you probably still think I’m nothing but a complete bastard.” Rimmer looked like he wanted the floor to swallow him.

Lister scoffed, “Take things slowly? Not a chance in hell.” The smaller man's eyes were ablaze with lust as he took Rimmer’s chin in his hand and pulled his gaze upward. Rimmer’s mouth dropped open slightly and Lister rubbed his thumb slowly across the hologram’s lower lip. “Yeah, I do still think you’re a bit of a bastard, but damned if you’re not a sexy bastard. And smeg if I know why, but I want you Rimmer. I want you bad. Yeah I need to think, but I am incredibly good at multi-tasking.” He leaned into the hologram and pressed their lips together. Rimmer tensed for just a moment before arching up into the kiss and wrapping his arms around Lister.

It was just as mind-blowing as before. Every movement, every press of the hologram’s tongue and lips against his own was like an expertly conducted symphony. Lister found himself moaning and clawing at Rimmer like an eager virgin. He grabbed at the hologram’s padded jacket and pulled him closer, wanting to kiss, taste and touch every bit of him.

Lister was getting painfully hard and as he pulled the hologram closer he could feel Rimmer’s own hardness pressing against him. _Smeg this is amazing. It’s never felt this good, not with anyone. I can't believe I've been missing out on this, all this time._

Lister’s libido and emotions teamed up and quickly tackled his doubt and reservations down to the mat. Losing himself in the moment, he started to grind against Rimmer and the hologram gasped into his ear, “I think it’d probably be best if we relocate, don’t you?”

“Oh smeg,” Lister reluctantly pulled away and nodded. He didn’t even want to think about how Cat or Kryten would react to seeing them essentially humping one another in plain sight.

Rimmer and Lister quickly ducked into Rimmer’s quarters and both men growled, “Lock,” in unison. Lister pinned Rimmer against the door and pounced on him. He entwined his fingers in the hologram’s hair, pulled Rimmer's head back and began to nibble and lick at his exposed neck. A shudder flowed through Rimmer as he felt Lister’s lips and tongue devouring him. Lister shrugged out of his jumpsuit and pushed it down to his hips. He reached to undo the fasteners on Rimmer’s jacket but the hologram quickly pushed his hands away.

“Don’t bother with those.” Rimmer closed his eyes for a moment and his uniform was suddenly gone. Every bit of him was gloriously laid out for Lister and he drank in the sight eagerly. “I forgot about that,” Lister muttered as he struggled to remove his own clothes.

“Listy,” said Rimmer, holding Lister at arm's length. "If there’s any part of you that doesn’t want to do this, we don…”

The words stalled on Rimmer's tongue as Lister pressed his groin firmly against the hologram's. Their combined heat could have rivaled a supernova. "I'm fairly certain that all of my parts are very willing participants," said Lister with a grin. He locked his lips over Rimmer's and after a long kiss began trailing his mouth downward. He ran his tongue along the hologram's neck, chest and stomach until he was down on his knees. “You’ve already waited far too long for this Rimmer.” Rimmer moaned heavily as Lister licked his lips and winked up at him. "Just no fainting on me this time," he joked as he began nuzzling around Rimmer's thighs.

"Can't... Can't promise that. Oh Listy. Oh, smeg!" Rimmer gasped out before biting down on his fist.

 


	4. Chapter 4

Lister was slowly awakened by the sensation of a hand gently caressing his face. He opened his eyes and realized he was in Rimmer's quarters. His fingers were still tangled in the hologram's auburn curls. Rimmer was awake, his head turned to the side. He was staring at Lister with that same adoring look as before while he idly stroked the smaller man’s cheek.

Lister cleared his throat, “How long have you been watchin’ me sleep? What are you some kind of a creep?” He flashed Rimmer a mischievous grin.

“I’m only just as creepy as you are miladdo, since you watched me sleep back in the medibay,” said Rimmer, a wide smile on his face. “Besides I haven’t seen you in six hundred years, I need to make up for lost time. Plus you look positively gorgeous when you sleep, if you can ignore the snoring.”

"I don't snore!"

"You're also adorable when you argue." Rimmer quieted any further denials from Lister with a gentle kiss.

Rimer pulled away after a moment and stared down at the mattress, "Listy, are you sure you're ok with all of this?"

Lister groaned and pressed his face into Rimmer's chest. "Are you going on about that again? I thought that I made myself pretty clear over the last hour. Or did I not scream loud enough?"

The hologram flushed a bright red. "It's just..." Rimmer screwed up his forehead for a few moments. "Oh smeg it. I had almost six hundred years to think about this. You'd think I could have figured out what to say by now."

Lister propped his arm up on his elbow and rested his head in his hand. "You can't plan for something like this Rimmer. You can't make up a timetable and study in preparation for a post-coital conversation." He began to draw little circles around the sparse hairs on Rimmer’s chest with his index finger. "Try not to think about it too much man, and just enjoy yourself."

“It’s just that I don’t want to smeg this up Listy. Nothing nice ever happens to me because I don’t let nice things happen to me. I’m trying my best not to panic and ruin everything before it’s even started. I’ve...” Something flashed in Rimmer’s eyes momentarily and he rubbed a hand across his face. “I just don’t want to scare you away. I don’t want to lose you again. I couldn't bear it.”

“You’ve got to stop worrying so much man. Look, I may not have had hundreds of years to think about things, but I know how I feel right now at this moment. For all the smeg we’ve gone through together, all the fighting and all the nastiness, you’re still me best mate Rimmer. I know I’ve called you a smeghead probably more times than I can count, but I could always tell that somewhere underneath all that smeg there was a decent bloke trying to fight his way out. I never thought I’d ever get to see him, but he’s right here in front of me now, and I like what I see. I really do.”

“But how can you possibly like me Lister? I’ve been so horrible to you in the past. I’ve done things that could have killed you, I can never forgive myself for that. I was always just too scared, or too spineless, or too smegging cowardly to do what my heart wanted me to do. I know that I don’t deserve you.” Rimmer averted his eyes, too ashamed of himself to hold Lister’s gaze.

“Stop doing this to yourself man.” Lister held Rimmer’s chin in his hand and forced him to look up into his eyes. “Look we've both been total smegheads to one another. I’ve done and said things that I shouldn’t have too, but we don’t have to think about all of that anymore.

"You’ve never had it easy Rimmer, you had a smegged up family who never gave a damn about what happened to you. I mean smeg, your mother never even told you that she loved you. That’s smegging awful. I mean my childhood wasn’t the happiest either, but at least my parents cared about me while I had them, and then I had me gran. I can’t imagine growing up thinking that no one cared about me or loved me. It’s a wonder you’re only as messed up as you are and not a complete and total sociopath.”

Rimmer’s face screwed up in a grimace that was equal parts offence and amusement, “Thanks?”

Lister placed a hand against Rimmer's cheek and stroked his thumb against the hard-light skin. “Sorry, for being a bit blunt, but I’m just trying to be honest Rimmer. You had a tough life growing up but you can forget about all of that now if you really want to. Everyone who gave you a hard time when you were growing up is dead. Anyone who might have treated you badly or made you feel like smeg, they’re gone. It’s just you and me and the Cat and Krytes and the whole universe. It can be like a fresh start. We can be whoever we want to be or do whatever we want to do. Yeah, it’s a bit lonely that we’re sort of the only people left in the smegging universe, but we’ve still got one another haven’t we? Doesn’t that count for something?”

“Is that the only reason why you want me though? Because I’m all there is? Might as well shag poor old Rimmer since there’s no one else around in the whole universe to shag? Are you just settling for me since you can’t have Kochanski anymore?” Lister could feel Rimmer stiffen beneath him.

“That’s not it Rimmer,” Lister said with a sigh as he laid his head on the hologram’s chest. “Look the thing about Kochanski, I think it was just something for me to hold onto that made me feel normal. Clinging to an old lost love, it made me feel like just a regular bloke who missed out on getting the girl. I could pretend like I wasn’t really the only human left in the universe, floating through space with no hope for any sort of future. I think it was just a way for me to try to feel like a simple ordinary human, instead of the last human. But I was only with Kochanski for a few weeks Rimmer, I’ve been with you for ages. This thing that we have together, it means so much more to me than that fling with Kochanski ever could have.

"Look I know we don’t ever talk about this, but back when I went through everything, with the boys… with Jim and Bexley.” Lister hitched in a breath and his voice trembled. “I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t been there with me. You were the one who read all those What to Expect books with me. You were the one who sat and watched films over and over again with me when I couldn’t sleep because I was so smegging uncomfortable. And after it was all over with and I had to send the boys away, you were the one who stayed up with me night after night while I cried about missing them.

"You were there for me during the worst time in my life, and I’ve never forgotten about that Rimmer. I’m sorry I never told you before how grateful I was for everything you'd done for me then, but it’s a hard time for me to remember. Too many sad memories y’know?"

Lister looked up and saw his own face reflected back at him in Rimmer's wet eyes. "I loved those boys too Listy."

"I know you did man. It made it a little bit easier when we had to let them go, to know that I wasn’t completely alone." Lister wiped his arm across his eyes. “Sorry for blubbering so much, but all of this is just making me realize how much you mean to me, and how much I need you, and how much I wish we’d done this ages ago." Lister sniffed and smiled at the hologram. "We've really been a couple of smegheads haven't we?”

Rimmer pulled Lister to him and kissed the top of his head, “I never realized those times meant anything to you. I always thought I was doing a terrible job of supporting you. I was never any good with pregnant women.”

“I’m not a woman Rimmer!”

“Oh you know what I mean, It just always seemed like I was saying or doing the wrong things. Nothing I said or did ever seemed to make you feel better. I couldn’t even give you an encouraging pat on the shoulder.”

“Yeah, too bad you weren’t hard-light then. You could have fetched me ice cream and given me foot-rubs and been a proper husband,” Lister said, flashing his trademark grin.

“With your feet? Don’t press your luck miladdo, I may love you, but I haven’t completely lost my mind, yet.”

“I’m pretty sure I can help you out if losing your mind's what you're after,” said Lister as he leaned forward for a kiss. Rimmer’s lips were soft as he pulled Lister closer to him. Lister could feel tiny fireworks going off in his head as they kissed. Each touch of Rimmer’s lips made hot shivers run through him. Rimmer dug his fingers into Lister’s back and moaned as he felt Lister’s growing hardness press against him. Lister’s tongue slid into the hologram’s open mouth and he plunged both of his hands into Rimmer’s hair, pulling him closer still. He wanted to envelope Rimmer, to have him be so close that there wasn’t an atom of space between them.

All thoughts left Lister’s mind as he became completely lost in Rimmer. The hologram felt so warm and alive underneath him as their tongues and lips lashed against one another. He never wanted the moment to end and his brain desperately tried to hang onto sensations like they were holiday snaps. The feel of Rimmer’s thick and unruly curls between his fingers, the taste of his warm lips, the faint scent of ions that clung to him and reminded Lister of rainy days back on earth.

Rimmer ran his hands down Lister’s naked back and gave his backside a gentle squeeze. Lister pulled back his head and moaned as Rimmer’s touch made parts of him throb. He fell forward again, licking at the hologram’s neck and chest, his tongue flicking over Rimmer’s pert nipples. He snaked one hand slowly downward while the hologram squirmed beneath him. Rimmer let out a strangled gasp as Lister’s hand encircled him, then suddenly a heavy clanging sound broke through their haze of arousal.

“Mister Lister sir? Are you in there?” The clanging sound resumed as Kryten banged on the door to Rimmer’s quarters.

“I’m busy Krytes, could you come back later?” _Oh please just let him go the smeg AWAY_ , Lister thought. There was blessed silence and Lister fell back into Rimmer’s lips with a grateful sigh just as the clanging started up again.

“Mister Lister, it is very urgent that I speak with you sir!”

“How urgent?” Lister mumbled around Rimmer’s lower lip.

“Comparatively speaking sir, about as urgent as an out-of-order toilet at an All-You-Can-Eat Mexican Buffet.”

Lister dropped Rimmer’s lip from between his teeth. “Are you serious? This really can’t wait?”

“I’m afraid not sir.”

“Smeg,” Lister grumbled.

“Damnit,” whispered Rimmer.

“What are you whispering for? We’re in YOUR quarters.”

“I was just trying to be a bit discrete.”

“If you wanted to be discreet, you shouldn’t have yelled out, ‘Bombs away!’ earlier,” said Lister with a laugh. Rimmer’s cheeks burned red while Lister reluctantly untangled his limbs from the hologram’s and climbed out of the bunk. “Sorry man, I’ll be back.” He lowered his voice to a rough whisper as he pulled on his clothes and pressed a fast kiss to Rimmer's lips. “Don’t you dare put that uniform back on.”

 


	5. Chapter 5

Lister was fastening up the last few snaps on his jumpsuit when he found Kryten pacing in the corridor.

“What’s going on Krytes? And you'd better not tell me you need help changing the alert bulb again.”

“Sir, it’s about Mister Rimmer’s memory files.” The mechanoid fidgeted a bit and kept eyeing the door to Rimmer’s quarters nervously.

“I thought it was going to take you days to go through those?”

“To go through all of them yes, but after what I saw during just the first few decades, I decided to do a quick scan of all of them in order to make up a rough analysis. I’m afraid I don’t have very good news sir.” The mechanoid's expression looked ominously grim.

“What did you find out then? Is Rimmer alright?”

“I believe you should be somewhere where we can sit down to hear this sir, perhaps we can go back to the medibay?”

“Kryten will you just tell me if he's ok?” Lister had to fight down the urge to grab the mechanoid and shake him as they walked down the corridor.

“I’m afraid he’s not ok sir. In fact, if you looked up the words ‘not ok’ in the dictionary, there would probably be a tiny photograph of Mister Rimmer there as an illustration."

"What is wrong with him Kryten? Would you just smegging tell me?" Lister shouted.

Kryten's voice rose an octave as he held up his hands, palms out. "I'm sorry Mister Lister sir, Please don't be angry with me."

Lister sighed in frustration and gritted his teeth. "I'm not angry Krytes, I'm just getting tired of waiting to hear what was so smegging important that you pulled me away from... Look would you just tell me already?"

Kryten’s voice returned to it’s normal pitch as he continued. "Like I explained sir, it's about Mister Rimmer. According to my analysis, it appears that he spent his last 557 years on Rimmerworld being physically and mentally tortured on a regular basis.” The bluntness of the mechanoid’s delivery of the news made it hard for Lister’s brain to process.

“Tortured? What do you mean tortured?” Lister didn't even like how the word sounded. It rolled off his tongue with so much menace.

“I’m afraid I mean exactly that sir. When the other Rimmers overthrew Mister Rimmer and learned that they could not kill him due to his hard-light drive, they instead used him as a sort of human punching bag. Although Mister Rimmer is virtually indestructible, he is still able to feel pain that’s inflicted upon him. Once the other Rimmers realized this, he was subjected to unspeakable tortures on a nearly daily basis.”

The color drained from Lister’s face and he felt like he was going to be ill. He backed up against the corridor wall and pressed his palms to his forehead. _No, no, oh smeg no._

The mechanoid went on, seemingly oblivious to Lister's distress. “The Rimmers in power would pass him down from generation to generation as a sort of family heirloom. Each generation delighted in coming up with more horrible and creative ways to inflict pain on him. Mister Rimmer has endured every sort of atrocity you could imagine. He’s been hung, burned, whipped, beaten and stabbed, not to mention raped and...”

“Enough! Enough! I don’t want to hear anymore Kryten!” Lister pulled in a shuddery breath and covered his mouth with his hand as he fought back a wave of nausea. _Rimmer, oh smeg Rimmer, why didn’t you say anything to me? Why didn’t you tell me? All those years, all those smegging years, going through all that by yourself._ Lister could feel hot tears prickling against the backs of his eyelids as he pictured Rimmer, alone with nothing but pain and suffering to keep him company for centuries.

“I’m sorry Mister Lister sir, I should have broken the news a bit more tactfully. Shame mode.” Kryten’s mouth turned down into a frown.

Lister let his back slide down against the wall and he sat with his head between his knees. He didn’t know what to do, he wanted to sob, he wanted to be sick, he wanted to take all of those Rimmers who had hurt his Rimmer and do awful, terrible things to them. He wanted to scream, he wanted to hit something. He felt a moment of shame as he remembered all the horrible things he’d ever said about Rimmer, all the dreadful things he’d ever wished would happen to him during all those years they’d spent annoying each other. But he never would have wished something like this on him, not in a million years.

“Mister Lister sir, due to the circumstances, I would recommend that we reload Mister Rimmer’s memory using one of the backups logged from before we went on board the simulant vessel. Mister Rimmer would effectively be reset back to how he was before, and he would have no memory of the traumas he experienced on Rimmerworld. It would essentially wipe out any psychological damage that he has suffered.”

Lister could feel his body growing numb as it digested Kryten’s proposal. _Reset Rimmer? He’d forget everything, forget how he feels about you. He’d go back to being that same old unfeeling, unloving smeghead again. You can’t reset him. He loves you. This Rimmer loves you. You can’t lose that. He’s all that you have in the whole smegging universe._

Lister sucked in a breath and looked the mechanoid in the eyes. “We can’t do that Krytes.”

“But sir, you have to think of the results from Mister Rimmer’s medical examination, and that was before he was subjected to centuries worth of torture and abuse. His T-counts were high before, but now they’re completely through the roof. Quite frankly, it’s a small miracle that he’s not had an electronic aneurism of massive proportions already. Mister Rimmer is a ticking time-bomb, and it’s only a matter of time before he could quite literally explode.” The mechanoid threw his hands wide to emphasize his point.

“I know Krytes I know, but you don’t understand. He’s different now, he’s not the same Rimmer that he used to be. He…” Lister’s tongue struggled to release the words. “He loves me. He told me so himself, says that he’s loved me for ages. I know it sounds crazy and I’m still trying to get a handle on it too, but we can’t just reset him. Not when I know he feels that way about me.”

Kryten started fussing with his hands and looking shiftily from side to side. “That may be Mister Lister sir, but I still think that it would be in everyone’s best interests...”

“Hang on. Why aren't you surprised by this?” Lister stood up so he was eye-level with Kryten. “I’ve just told you that Arnold Rimmer is in love with me. Why hasn’t that revelation made your head explode? Or at least made your eyes pop out of their sockets?” Lister asked.

Kryten looked down at the floor, a guilty look on his angular face, “Well sir, there was something that probably escaped your notice while we were on Rimmerworld. Do you remember all those little white lines that Mister Rimmer had made on his prison walls to mark off the days?”

“Yeah,” said Lister with a shrug.  
  
The mechanoid frowned, “Well they weren’t all just lines sir. About 115 years after his imprisonment began, instead of making a line for every day that passed, Mister Rimmer began writing your name over and over again in very small letters.”

Lister though about all of those thousands of what he thought were little white lines scribbled all over the walls and felt his mouth growing dry. “How many days was that Krytes?”

“160,472 days to be exact sir.”

“160,472 days. He’s loved me for 160,472 days.” Lister sank back to the floor with a thump. “No one’s ever loved me for that long.”

“Technically no one has ever loved anyone for that long sir, humans simply aren’t capable of living long enough to do so.”

“Smeg Krytes, why didn’t you tell me right when we got back?” Lister slowly ran his hands through his hair. He could hear hot blood rushing through his ears and he had a pain in his chest like he'd never felt before. _160,472 days. How could he keep loving me for so long? Especially dealing with what he was going through day after day. How could I mean so much to him? I’m nothing but a lazy space-bum._

“I had my suspicions, but I couldn’t be completely certain of Mister Rimmer’s motivations sir. I was hoping that he had simply started writing your name out of boredom. I’m mean after all sir, this is Mister Rimmer we’re talking about.”

Lister shook his head slowly, “He’s not the same though, he’s really changed. You don’t understand just how much he’s changed. We can’t just reset him. We’d be killing the man he’s become, I don’t think he’d want that.”

“But sir, in his current state, who knows what Mister Rimmer might be capable of. If he does have some sort of psychotic break, he could harm any one of us, especially you Mister Lister!”

“I don’t think he’d hurt me or anyone else Krytes, honestly. Maybe he’ll be alright now that he’s back? I’ve been with him for hours and apart from fainting the one time, he’s been just fine. We can’t just reset him without giving him a chance first. Maybe all he needs is to be back here in a familiar place with people who care about him.” Lister wasn’t sure whether he was trying to convince Kryten or himself.

“I really wish you would reconsider sir,” said Kryten huffily. “But if you insist, I will get back to my duties. Just please, be careful sir.”

“Don’t worry Krytes, I’ll be alright, I promise.” Lister drew the shape of a letter ‘x’ over his chest and raised a hand in the air. “Scout’s honor.”

 


	6. Chapter 6

Lister’s body was thrumming like a live wire when he got back to the door of Rimmer’s quarters. “Unlock,” he muttered, holding his breath in preparation as he walked through the doorway. He wasn’t sure how the revelations about Rimmer were going to effect him now that he would be face-to-face with the hologram. Inside, Rimmer lay prone on the bunk, a sheet draped loosely over the lower half of his body. He turned to look at Lister, a peaceful expression on his face. Lister slowly released the air from his lungs as he gazed at the hologram. _Smeg, but he’s the most gorgeous thing I’ve ever seen. How could I have not noticed it before?_

“I missed you Listy,” Rimmer said, a warm smile curling up the edges of his lips.

“Rimmer,” said Lister softly as he looked into the hologram’s eyes. _Hundreds of years of pain, thousands of days of torture_ , his brain screamed out at him. Tears began to leak unbidden from Lister's eyes, “Rimmer, why didn’t you tell me?”

“Why didn’t I tell you what?” Rimmer said, the smile on his face quickly wilting.

Lister dropped to his knees and pressed his hands to his face as something inside of him broke, and he began to openly weep. Suddenly Rimmer was beside him wrapping an arm around his shoulders. He pawed and petted at Lister, desperately trying to comfort him but clearly not certain how best to do it.

Lister sucked in a breath between sobs, “Why didn’t you tell me what happened to you? What you’d been through? All those things they’d done to you. Those terrible awful things.”

The color drained from Rimmer’s projected skin as Lister fell against his chest. “How did you find out?”

“Kryten downloaded your memory files after you fainted,” Lister managed to blurt out between hitches of breath. “I don’t understand. Why didn’t you tell me?” Lister’s mind unravelled as he felt the hologram’s naked skin pressing into him. He imagined that skin being bruised, battered and broken and a fresh load of sobs overtook him as he clung to Rimmer. Lister managed to speak haltingly in short gasps between sobs, “I’m sorry that I wasn’t there, I’m sorry that I couldn’t keep you safe.”

Rimmer folded his arms around Lister, pressing the crying man to him, “It was my own fault that I wound up in that situation Lister. If I hadn’t been such a coward and run off like that to save my own skin, it never would have happened. There’s nothing you could have done.”

“Why didn’t you tell me though? Why didn’t you let me know what you’d been through before we…” Lister choked on the words.

“I…” Lister could feel the hologram stiffening around him again, “I thought that you wouldn’t want me if you knew. I thought you’d see me as damaged goods at best, or at worst you’d think of me as filthy, disgusting and used. I thought if I didn't tell you, there might at least be a chance that you could see me simply as a man who loved you, rather than as a victim.”

Lister sucked in a breath and rubbed his tear-stained cheek against Rimmer’s bare chest. “Rimmer, I could never think of you as anything filthy or disgusting. Not anymore anyway. You didn’t ask for any of that to happen to you. I would never blame you for the awful things some other people had done to you.”

The arms around Lister relaxed a bit and Rimmer pressed his cheek against the top of Lister’s head. “Thank you Listy. I honestly don’t know what I would have done if I hadn’t had the memory of you to hold onto, and known that eventually you would come for me. The fact that you did come, and I’m here with you now, and you’re with me, it’s more than I ever could have hoped for. I thought you would still hate me, I thought you wouldn’t give me a chance. I thought you might perhaps warm up to me a bit one day, but I never expected this. I always hoped, but I never imagined I would really know how it felt to hold you like this.” Rimmer pulled Lister close, clutching him protectively against his chest.

Lister grabbed onto Rimmer, a part of him thinking that if he held tight enough, he might be able to squeeze out all of Rimmer’s terrible memories. “I’m sorry we couldn’t have rescued you sooner. I feel like we should have done something, anything.”

“There was nothing you could have done Listy. Everything that happened to me was because of my own stupid actions." The hologram's eyes grew dark as he spoke. "I saw it as punishment for every terrible, gitty thing I’d ever done. It made it easier to think that I was just getting what I deserved. What I'd always deserved. I know I've never been a good man Lister.”

Lister looked up at Rimmer, his reddened eyes wide, “You didn’t deserve any of that Rimmer. Yeah you were a total smeghead from time-to-time, and you occasionally did act like the winner of a Mister Horrible Personality contest, but that’s not deserving of hundreds of years of torture. What happened to you was awful, terrible and completely insane. It wasn’t some kind of crazy divine retribution or anything, it was horrible, and it shouldn’t have happened to you or to anyone.”

“Let’s not talk about it anymore, please Lister? I lived it for hundreds of years, I had more than enough time to ponder and consider what I was going through. I don’t want to examine it anymore. I just want to try to move forward and forget about it. I want to try to start over fresh, with you, with everyone.” He leaned forward and began kissing the tears from Lister’s eyes. “Please don’t cry anymore Listy. I want you to be happy, I don’t want to see you cry again.”

“Me happy? I’m the one who should be doing the comforting here. You’re the one who’s been to hell and back.”

“Black card Listy. Let’s not speak of that anymore, alright miladdo?” Rimmer pulled Lister up for a kiss and Lister hesitated at the feel of the lips against his. There was a part of him that couldn’t help but think of Rimmer as a victim now. His mind conjured up images of the hologram screaming in pain. _What if I hurt him by accident? What if I do something that gives him a flashback or something? I couldn’t forgive myself if I hurt him any more than he’s already been hurt._

Rimmer, noticing the hesitation, held Lister at arm’s length. His hazel eyes were desperate as he stared into Lister’s brown ones. “Lister, please don’t think about any of that. What we have right now, this has been the only pleasure, the only happiness that I’ve had for centuries. Please don’t let this change what happened between us. We can still be happy, please just let this happen.”

Rimmer lowered his mouth against Lister’s and the man stiffened against the hologram for just a moment before he softened his lips with a sigh. He didn’t want to fight it. He was too lonely, too starved for human-contact, and too emotionally connected to this hologramatic simulation of a man to care about anything other than being close to him.

As Rimmer’s tongue pressed between Lister’s lips, he pushed all thoughts of Rimmer’s ordeal to the back of his mind. Lister could feel flashes of heat licking at the small of his back as their kiss intensified. He began to trail his hands along Rimmer’s neck and shoulders and he suddenly became achingly aware of the fact that Rimmer never had put his uniform back on. The hologram moaned heavily, pressing himself against Lister while they explored one another’s mouths. _Smeg it,_ Lister thought. _I need this, and clearly he needs it too._


	7. Chapter 7

Hours later, Lister lay awake in bed alternating between staring at the underside of the bunk and the smattering of curls that lay nestled against his shoulder. His mind was still grappling vigorously with the sheer weirdness of everything that had occurred over the last day, and he couldn’t quite get his brain to turn off long enough to allow him to sleep.

 _I’m sleeping with Rimmer. Smegging hell._ Lister was surprised by just how happy the thought made him. It was all still so strange, while simultaneously being surprisingly familiar and comfortable. His brain struggled to think of an apt comparison but he gave up after a while. There was simply no simile that could come close to describing the event of him and Rimmer going from being irritable bunkmates, to starry-eyed lovers in the space of one day.

Lister glanced down, mesmerized by the way the dim light reflected off Rimmer’s hair, muting the colors and turning his auburn locks into something from a black and white film. Lister felt his heart clench as a strong sense of protectiveness overtook him. Regrettably his mind started to wander back to the things Kryten had told him. _“...subjected to unspeakable tortures on a nearly daily basis… more horrible and creative ways to inflict pain on him… hung, burned, whipped, beaten and stabbed, not to mention raped…”_

Lister screwed his eyes up and tried to push the thoughts away. He glanced down at Rimmer again, the hologram sleeping peacefully in his arms. _How could all of that smeg have happened to him? How could he have gone through all that? He seems so… normal. For Rimmer anyway._ He sucked in his lower lip and chewed on it as he thought.

_Maybe Krytes was wrong? I mean, he is really just an overgrown combination vacuum cleaner/toilet brush when you get right down to it. Human psychology isn’t exactly what he’s programmed for. Maybe… maybe what Rimmer went through wasn’t all that bad? Maybe Krytes was just overreacting to something he saw but didn’t understand? I mean, being tortured for hundreds of years, how could anyone survive that? It just doesn’t make sense. He’d be beyond mad by now, he’d be a shell of a man with nothing left to him. He can’t have gone through that, he just can’t have._

A quiet moan from Rimmer interrupted Lister’s inner musings as the hologram turned in his sleep, cuddling back against Lister’s side.

 _I mean look at him, he’s sleeping like a baby. People who’ve gone through years upon years of being tortured can’t just brush it off like that can they? Krytes had to have gotten it wrong._ Lister’s brain conveniently ignored the fact that Rimmer hadn’t denied what had happened to him during his imprisonment when Lister confronted him. But then of course, Lister hadn’t gone into detail about what Kryten had told him.

Lister lay in the bed for a while stewing, trying to ignore the curiosity that was nibbling at the edges of his mind. _You can find out you know. Kryten said that he transferred everything to the navicomp, a few quick lines of code and you can access it all with an AR simulation. Won’t take more than a few minutes. Everyone else is asleep so no one would even need to know._

The part of his brain that respected other people's privacy was appalled. But the other part of his brain, the part that couldn’t help craning his neck when someone was wheeled past in a hospital wing gurney, that part simply wouldn’t keep quiet.

_Go on, a quick peek won’t hurt anybody. No one else will know what you’re up to. No one else has to know that you’ve got a macabre streak and want to know just how bad he really had it. You know that you’re not going to get any sleep until you’ve satisfied your smegging curiosity, so why don’t you just go already so we can get some rest and not be completely useless tomorrow?_

With a guilty shift of his eyes, Lister began to slowly extricate himself from Rimmer and the bunk. The hologram barely shifted as Lister left his side. _Guess I wore him out,_ Lister thought with a sheepish grin as he slipped into his long-johns and crept out of Rimmer’s quarters, whispering, “Unlock,” as quietly as he could.

It only took Lister a few minutes to tap the necessary lines of code into the navicomp and get himself hooked up in the AR suite. He’d blindly selected a random date sometime near the middle of Rimmer’s imprisonment as a starting point. He fought back against some feelings of guilt for being so voyeuristic as he put on the headpiece and prepared to insert himself into Rimmer’s memories. But Lister had always had an insatiable curiosity, and right now it was telling his feelings of guilt to smeg off. With a sharp exhalation of breath, he tapped the key to run the program and flipped the visor down. _Here goes nothing._

A scream tore it’s way from Lister’s lips before he even had time to get his bearings. Pain was all that his mind could register. Pain that threatened to turn him inside out as every muscle in his body fought against it. His scream was roughly cut off as he felt a staggering tightness and pressure on his throat and the sudden sensation of being pulled into the air. His hands began scrabbling wildly at his neck and he felt the harsh fibers of a rope just as his air was cut off completely. He could dimly hear sounds of mocking laughter around him and shouts of, “Yes! String him up! Make the abomination suffer!”

Lister opened his mouth to scream, but no sounds would come out. _I can’t breath! I can’t smegging breath! Somebody help me!_ Suddenly new searing pain flared through his limbs. He cracked his eyes open and saw flames dancing around him before he squeezed them shut again. _I’m dying! I’m smegging dying!_ Lister wasn’t sure whether he was hearing his own thoughts or Rimmer’s. There was a loud crack and another fresh lash of pain tore through him. Lister’s hands dropped as he was paralyzed by sheer agony and his body went limp. Another crack and he felt his mind slipping gratefully into blackness. He could hear a hauntingly familiar voice muttering as the pain slowly faded into nothingness. “So soon? Such a weak and useless creature, hardly any fun at all. Lower him down. Who wishes to have their way with him first?”

The pain was gradually replaced by a feeling of gentle warmth that seemed to wrap around him. Lister found that he could breath again as the agony of the pain began to fade away and the warmth about him grew stronger. Suddenly he could feel a pair of strong arms around him, “Lister,” he heard himself say in Rimmer’s voice. “Lister, how I missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too Rimmer,” he heard his own voice reply from somewhere intangible. The pain was gone, the tightness around his neck forgotten as this phantom version of Lister pulled Rimmer close and Lister felt Rimmer begin to cry.

“Everything’s ok now Rimmer, you’re safe with me,” the voice murmured softly. Lister felt Rimmer slump into the phantom’s arms as the tears poured down his face. “I’ll always be here Rimmer.”

Lister heard Rimmer’s voice cry out as a heavy palm slapped him full in the face, tearing him violently away from the feelings of warmth and comfort.

“Yes, that’s it, wake up so you can truly appreciate your pain,” Lister heard the same voice from before hiss into his ear. Rough hands gathered him up and he could feel himself being trussed up like a hunter’s trophy. A scream tore from Rimmer’s lips as his arms and legs were hoisted up and behind him, his joints being twisted in ways never intended by nature.

A hand grasped the back of Rimmer’s hair pulling his head up and backwards as Lister felt the sharp edge of a knife against his throat. “Now my pet,” the voice cooed maliciously, “I want to hear you scream while I have you.” Lister sobbed as the incredible pressure in his joints became unbearable, and he could feel the blade of the knife being dragged slowly from his neck back to his shoulder blades. A maniacal giggle reverberated in Lister’s ear as the blade continued its journey down along his his spine until it reached the top of his buttocks. Lister could hear Rimmer’s voice whining plaintively as he desperately tried to squirm away from the knife, every movement sending searing flashes of pain through his limbs.

“What are you waiting for my pet? Scream!” the voice growled as the knife pressed into him. _No! Smeg No!_ Lister’s own brain howled at him as he forced himself to cry out, “Roof attack! Roof attack!” Lister was instantly back in the AR simulation suite, he tore the headset and connectors off of himself hurriedly and had never been so grateful that there was a toilet just outside in the hall. He flung himself through the doorway and was violently ill.

A few moments later Lister lay shaking on the cool tiles of the floor, his long-johns damp with perspiration. His guts were churning in spite of the fact that they’d been recently emptied. He was disgusted with himself. Disgusted that he’d let his curiosity push him into seeing those terrible things, disgusted that he let himself believe that Kryten might have been exaggerrating. Most of all he was disgusted that he’d invaded Rimmer’s privacy by going through his memories. The feelings of shame did little to overshadow the horror he felt, now that he’d seen Rimmer’s memories through the hologram's own tortured eyes. Lister remembered when they had accidentally created psychopathic versions of themselves and he’d been tormented by them for a few hours. Rimmer’s experience made that look like a children’s television program. He shuddered as he remembered the pain, the overwhelming all-encompassing agony of the pain. He’d wanted to die, he’d wanted to die right then and there, just to make it stop. Lister silently thanked himself for remembering to program a verbal shortcut into the navicomp for exiting the simulation. He couldn’t wrap his mind around the thought of Rimmer living like that, day after agonizing day, for hundreds of years. It was like trying to understand the vastness of space, or how old the universe was. No matter how much you thought about it, you could never quite grasp it.

Lister pulled himself to his feet shakily, his legs feeling like custard as he walked back to the AR suite and hastily deleted all evidence of his experience from the navicomp so neither Rimmer nor Kryten would find out what he’d done. Lister was shocked to see that not even ten minutes had passed since he had started the simulation. It made the true horror of Rimmer’s situation sink even deeper and he wrapped his arms around himself and shivered. _It felt like a smegging eternity, what must it have felt like for Rimmer?_ His steps felt heavy as he made his way back to Rimmer’s quarters.

The sound of gentle snoring filled the room and Lister breathed a sigh of relief. He stripped off his long-johns and slid into bed behind Rimmer. He wrapped an arm around Rimmer’s waist and found himself wishing that he were a bit taller and wider so that he could envelope the hologram more completely. More than anything, he wanted to keep Rimmer safe and protected from now on. As he pressed his face into Rimmer’s bronze curls, a few tears leaked from his eyes and settled on them like raindrops. “I’m sorry Rimmer,” he whispered softly. “I’m so sorry. So smegging sorry.”

Lister had hoped that satisfying his curiosity would help him get to sleep, but that plan had been a miserable failure. Instead he found himself trying to ignore the screams that kept replaying themselves over in his mind. He held Rimmer in his arms and waited for morning to come.

 


	8. Chapter 8

“Smeg!” Lister cried out as the butt of his cigarette burned the tips of his fingers. He quickly threw it to the floor, stamping it out. “What a smegging waste,” he grimaced as he swiped a long cylinder of spent ash from the table. He was contemplating lighting up another when a familiar metallic clank began to echo from the corridor.

“Good morning Mister Lister sir,” said Kryten as he marched into the galley. “Did you sleep well?”

“I’ve had better Krytes. Any chance of getting some coffee? I could really use it this morning,” he said with a yawn.

“Certainly sir,” Kryten said as he turned to gather a mug and the kettle. “How is Mister Rimmer doing this morning? Are there any improvements to his condition?”

Lister stretched his hands out in front of him and sighed, “I’m afraid not Krytes. If anything it’s getting worse. He woke up screaming three times last night. That's the most he’s ever done. Now this morning he’s back in our quarters playing with his balls again.”

“Mister Lister sir!” cried Kryten, throwing up his hands, “While I do appreciate the marked increase in the quantities of sheets that need laundering, I hardly think it’s necessary for me to know the explicit details about what you and Mister Rimmer get up to during your private time.”

Lister’s face cracked into a smirk, “He’s playing with those Chinese worry balls you gave him Krytes.”

“Oh, of course Mister Lister, how silly of me. Engaging embarrassment mode.” Kryten busied his hands with stirring up Lister’s coffee. “Here you are sir, just the way you like it, black with chilled vindaloo sauce.”

“Cheers man,” Lister said, gratefully taking the steaming mug from Kryten’s hands. Lister sipped in silence for a few moments while Kryten fussed about with a rag and some cleaner. “He’s calling me Derek again too. I just dunno what to do Krytes. It was amazing the first couple of days. He seemed just fine and I was sure that everything was going to work out, and that we were going to be happy.” Lister stared down into his mug as if searching for answers. “Every day he just seems to get worse though. The nightmares are happening more, he’s forgetting who I am more. But when he’s there, I mean really there and he looks me in the eyes…” Lister sighed as he rubbed his brow with the tips of his fingers, “What the smeg am I going to do?”

“Well sir, you must remember that the human mind was never meant to deal with hundreds of years of physical and psychological torture. The possibilities of Mister Rimmer ever recovering from his ordeal are highly unlikely."

"I know Krytes I know, we've gone over all of this before," Lister said, frustration clearly etched on his face.

Kryten chattered on, either unaware of, or deliberately ignoring Lister's expression. "I have not yet erased the original backup of Mister Rimmer’s memory from before Rimmerworld sir, so we do still have the option of resetting him if you would reconsider that possibility.”

“No Krytes,” said Lister, his jaw set firmly. “We can’t reset him, we just can’t. Then everything we’ve had together would be just gone.” Lister’s mind was awash with images of the old Rimmer and their numerous bouts of mud-slinging. It was like watching old holiday reels of people he barely knew. He felt so disconnected from that Lister and Rimmer, how could he willingly turn Rimmer back into that?

“I hate to press the matter sir, but…”

“I said no Krytes and I mean it,” Lister had an edge of anger in his voice. “Look I’m sorry but it’s just not an option, it can’t be. It would be like I was just throwing him away, like he didn’t mean anything to me, and I can’t do that. I just can’t.” Lister drained the dregs from his mug and stood up. “Thanks for the coffee Krytes. I’m going to go check to see how he’s doing alright? Give us a shout if you and Cat need any help at the helm.”

Lister found Rimmer much the same as he'd left him. He was alone in his quarters, still staring raptly at the tiny worry balls in his palm. Lister sat in front of him with a thump. The tiny clacking sounds of metal echoing through the room reminded him of the ticking of a clock.

“How’s it going man?” Lister leaned forward to peep under Rimmer’s blanket.

Rimmer abruptly stopped spinning the balls in his hand and looked up at Lister, “You shouldn’t be here Derek. It’s not safe.”

Lister stared hard into Rimmer’s eyes, hoping to see a glint or a glimmer of him in there, but there was nothing. It was like looking into the eyes of a stranger. “Rimmer man, where are you? Don’t you remember me? Could you come back please?”

The hologram dropped his eyes and murmured, “You should leave Derek, you don’t want to be here when they come.”

“Rimmer no one’s going to come man. They’re gone and you’re safe, you’re safe here with me!” Lister slid down to the floor and wrapped his arms awkwardly around Rimmer’s blanketed form. “Please Rimmer, I really need you right now, please come back.”

“You should really learn to be more quiet Derek, they don’t like when you make too much noise. You don’t want to make them cross.”

Lister sighed and pressed his head against the hologram’s hip. “Smeg Rimmer. Why’d you have to go and do this to yourself? Why? Why did you have to run off in that smegging escape pod and cause all this mess in the first place?” Lister’s only answer was the soft clacking of the worry balls as Rimmer resumed spinning them in his hand.

“Maybe we eventually could have figured things out together." Lister murmured, his eyes distant. "Maybe if we’d had more time, we finally would have seen what we had. What we were missing. Maybe we could have been happy without all this smeg making a mess of everything.”

Lister turned so his back was leaning against Rimmer. He could feel the gentle motions of the hologram’s contracting muscles and the soft vibrations of the worry balls as they scraped against one another. The sounds and sensations were surprisingly soothing.

Lister leaned his head back so the skin of his neck was stretched tight against his adam’s apple. He closed his eyes and thought back to their years together as bunkmates: the insults, the yelling, the countless obscene gestures. _It never would have happened,_ Lister thought sadly. _Rimmer would have been too much of a coward to ever admit to himself how he feels about me, and I never could have let myself admit that I really do care for the smegger, I’ve got too much damned pride. Aren’t we a pair? The only reason we’re together at all is because of all this terrible smeg that’s tearing us apart._ Lister shifted so that his cheek rested against the warmth of Rimmer’s hip as felt a blanket of sleep began to creep over him. _Aren’t we a smegging pair..._

 


	9. Chapter 9

Lister was rudely awakened by a hard thump as his head smacked into the side of the bunk.

“Ow! Smeg.” He rubbed at the tender spot with one hand while scrubbing the sleep from his eyes with the other.

“I’m sorry Listy, I didn’t see you down there.” Rimmer sank to the floor and slid his hand underneath Lister’s, gently caressing the sore spot on his scalp. “How bad is it?”

“Just a bit of a knock, I’ll be fine.” Lister winced a bit at the pins and needles peppering his backside as he turned to wrap his arms around Rimmer. “You’re back. I’ve missed you.”

“How long was I gone for this time?” Rimmer asked as he pulled Lister close.

“Hours. You were already gone after I woke up this morning, so smeg knows how long.” Lister pressed his face against the fabric of Rimmer’s padded jacket, breathing in the hologram’s nearly imperceptible scent.

Rimmer remained silent for a few moments absently stroking the back of Lister’s head and running his hand down the dreadlocks. “I’m getting worse aren’t I? The episodes are happening more often, and they’re getting longer.”

“Maybe they are, but you’ve got to consider what you’ve been through Rimmer. Nobody can come out of something like that completely unscathed.”

“I was hoping that everything would be fine once I got back. That things would be normal again. I suppose it was foolish of me. Nothing ever works out for me, I should have known my brain wouldn’t be able to just accept that things are fine now, and let me be happy.” Rimmer let his head flop back onto the bunk and Lister dragged it back up again.

“I don’t want to hear none of that smeg you hear me? None of it. Look, this is just the beginning still. Maybe things just need to get a bit worse before they start getting better, yeah?” Lister smoothed Rimmer’s curls back behind his ears. “Even with all this crazy smeg happening, this is still the happiest that I’ve been in three million years and I wouldn’t change it for nothing.”

“What if it just keeps getting worse though Lister? What if this is the best that it’s going to be?”

“If this is the best that we can get, then I’ll take it and damn-well enjoy it while I can. Look, we don’t even know if we’re going to be around tomorrow. We could crash into an asteroid belt, or we could run into a ship of crazy simulants who kill us before we even have a chance to blink. Nothing’s certain Rimmer, but I intend to enjoy what we’ve got while we have it.”

Rimmer managed a weak smile. "I wish I could be as positive as you are Listy."  

Lister ran a finger down the curves of the hologram's lips. “I’m not ready to give up on us yet man. Not now, not after all you’ve been through to get here. For all we know we could still have our whole lives ahead of us. Well, MY life anyway, what with you already being dead and all,” he punctuated the jape with a wicked grin.

“Tut, tut Listy,” said Rimmer clicking his tongue, “So insensitive to us deadies even after all of this. I ought to report you to the Worldwide Hologram Organisation for Rights, Equality and Safety.”

“You’re going to report me to the WHORES eh?” said Lister cheekily. “I’d better watch myself then, don’t want to be getting on their bad side. I hear they can be a nasty bunch.”

“None nastier,” said Rimmer returning Lister’s grin for a moment before his face grew solemn again. “I do hope you’re right though Listy. I just want us to be happy.”

“You know what would make me happy right now?” said Lister as he straddled Rimmer’s lap in one surprisingly graceful motion. “If you weren’t wearing this smegging uniform again.” He punctuated the statement with a ravenously hungry kiss that left Rimmer flushed and disheveled as Lister raked his fingers through his curls.

Rimmer cleared his throat and straightened himself up as best he could, “Do you expect me to take orders from a THIRD technician?”

“You’re damn-smegging-right I do,” said Lister as he plunged forward again, his tongue filling Rimmer’s mouth as he let his hands wander down to the growing tent in Rimmer’s velvet trousers. “Off. Now.” Lister growled as he pulled his own shirt over his head.  
  
“Oh, well if you put it that way,” said Rimmer with a groan as Lister’s hand rubbed firmly against him. The hologram’s clothes melted away like snow and Lister leaned forward, pressing their bare chests together. Rimmer gasped into the soft skin just below Lister’s ear, “I love you so much Listy.”

Lister pressed his lips against Rimmer’s and dug his fingers into the skin of the hologram's back, his actions saying what he couldn’t bring himself to say in words. His last coherent thought before he became completely intoxicated by the feel and taste of his bunkmate, was that for the first time in three million years, he felt like he was home.


	10. Chapter 10

Lister awoke several hours later in a contented haze. He could feel the warm press of Rimmer’s back against his side and he smiled as the memory of the last couple of hours they spent together washed over him. He rolled over and spooned his body around the hologram’s. He was struck again by how well he seemed to fit into the angles and curves that made up Rimmer’s lean body. _Just like a key in a lock._

“Rimmer?” he murmured into the hologram’s ear. “Rimmer? Are you asleep?” Lister placed his hand on Rimmer’s shoulder and immediately pulled it back as if he’d been burned. _Wet. Why is he wet?_ Lister stared at his hand in the dim light and could see a darkened patch of something smeared across his palm for just a split second before it disappeared. _What the smeg is this?_

“Lights!” Lister’s eyes squinted against the sudden brightness that flooded the room. His stomach was hit with a sickening sensation when he saw that Rimmer’s shoulder was stained a vivid red. “Rimmer! No!” He pulled the hologram towards him and Rimmer flopped onto his back on the bunk. “Oh smeg no. Oh smeg please, no.”

Rimmer was covered in blood and his wrists were torn open in wide, ragged gashes. Lister could see flashes of tendon and bone peeking out between the lacerated flesh. Rimmer’s eyes were closed, his skin shockingly grey and pale against the splashes of red. For an instant Lister’s brain conjured up a long repressed memory of a wiry grey cat named Wolfman that he’d had as a boy. The cat had been killed by a stray dog and Lister had been left to bury her mangled remains in the back of his grandmother’s garden. He pulled Rimmer to him and started screaming.

“Somebody help for smeg’s sake! Kryten! Cat! Help! We need help!”

“Listy?” Lister started at the faint voice that was barely loud enough to be a whisper.

“Rimmer? You’re alive? Oh smegging hell, I thought you were... I thought…” Lister looked down at the hologram. Rimmer’s eyes were open, the green and brown sunbursts standing out even more than usual against his sickeningly pallid skin. A swath of blood went across his mouth and lips and had stained his teeth a deep crimson.

“Listy,” he murmured, “Don’t let the others see.”

“What are you talking about man? Something bad’s happened, you’ve been attacked, we’ve got to get you to the medibay.”

At that moment a furious pounding broke out on the other side of the door.

“Mister Lister sir! What’s going on?”

“Yeah! I want to know why you turkeys are interrupting my beauty sleep! You know I require at least eighteen hours of sleep every day to look this good!”

“I wasn’t attacked,” Rimmer said, his voice still a whisper but regaining some of it’s strength. “I did this to myself.”

“What?” Lister cried out, staring at the hologram’s mangled wrists and blood-covered torso in horror.

“It was me. I did it to myself. I’ll explain everything, but please don’t let the others see,” Rimmer’s eyes were wide with fear.

“Mister Lister sir! What’s happened? Please let us in!” Kryten resumed his banging on the door, his voice shrill with panic.

Lister stared at the wounded hologram in his arms while Rimmer slowly shook his head from side to side, his eyes pleading. Rimmer’s lips with their scarlet coating of blood reminded Lister of a villain from some old comics he used to read when he was a boy. _What was the name of that bloke anyway? He was crazy wasn’t he?_ Lister shook his head as he struggled to keep his thoughts straight. He glanced back and forth from the hologram to the door of their quarters. _What do I do? What do I smegging do?_

Rimmer's eyes were crying out in desperation as he silently mouthed the word, "Please." _The Joker,_ Lister thought as he stared at Rimmer’s blood-stained lips. _It was the Joker, and he was crazy, he was one messed up smegger. Oh smeg. Rimmer's never getting past this is he? He's been hurt too much for too smegging long._ Lister tore his eyes away from the hologram and cleared his throat.

“Sorry Kryten, sorry Cat,” Lister called out, desperately trying to mask the shaking in his voice. “I just… I just had a bad nightmare. Everything’s fine. Sorry I woke you two up, everything’s ok.”

“A nightmare? You woke me up out of a sound sleep because you had a bad dream?” Cat shouted through the door.

“I’m really sorry guys, I was still half asleep when I started yelling. It was…” Lister glanced down at the gore-covered hologram in his arms and swallowed hard. “It was a really nasty one.”

"Nasty? You'll learn the meaning of the word tomorrow morning when you wake up and see the present I'm going to leave you in one of your shoes!” Lister heard Cat yowling angrily to himself as he made his way back to his sleeping quarters.

“Are you sure you’re alright Mister Lister?” said Kryten through the door. “You sounded extremely distressed!”

“I’m fine Krytes, really I am. Sorry to get you worried.” Lister looked down at Rimmer’s still-bleeding wounds and fought hard not to panic as he tried to make his voice sound calm.

“Alright Mister Lister, but please let me know if you would like something to help you get back to sleep. A glass of warm milk perhaps?”

“I think I’ll be ok Krytes, but thanks for thinking of me man.”

“Not at all Mister Lister sir, goodnight sir.”

“Goodnight Krytes.” Lister breathed a sigh of relief as he heard the clank of the mechanoid’s boots stomping away down the corridor. His eyes were full of sadness as he stared at the bleeding hologram in his arms.

“Rimmer man, what the smeg happened? How did you do this to yourself?” Lister suppressed a wave of nausea as he tried to look away from the hologram’s gaping wounds.

“I’m sorry Lister,” said Rimmer, his reddened lips trembling in his face pale. “Give me a few moments and I can fix it.”

“Fix it? What do you mean fix it?”

“I’m just a projection. If I concentrate enough I can make it go away, it’s not much different than making the uniform appear and disappear.” Lister pulled away so that Rimmer could sit up properly in the bunk. He screwed up his face into a grimace and the wounds on his wrists began to mend themselves. Lister watched with equal parts fascination and revulsion as the flesh creeped slowly back together and the skin smoothed itself over. Within moments the wounds were gone, only the blood remained as a reminder of the horror that Lister had witnessed.

“I’m afraid I’ve never quite gotten the hang of making the blood go away though. I think there’s just too much of it, or it’s too thin or something. This hard light hologram stuff is all very…” Rimmer made an odd flourishy sort of gesture with his hands. “I don’t know, odd. Sometimes even I can’t make any sense of how it works.”

Lister fetched a towel from the bath and ran it under the tap to moisten it. He sat next to Rimmer and began to wipe off the blood from the hologram’s face and mouth. The blood showed vivid red against the stark white of the towel for only a few fleeting moments before it disappeared as the projection disconnected from Rimmer’s body.

“What happened?” Lister asked between gentle swipes of the towel, “When I woke up and saw you like that, all covered in blood, I thought…”

“I’m so sorry Lister,” the hologram said, as he averted his eyes from Lister’s. “You’ve no idea how sorry. I never wanted you to see me like that. I never thought it would happen again.”

“Again? You mean you’ve done that before? Done that to yourself? What the smeg for Rimmer? Why would you tear yourself up like that? How did you even do it?” Lister shivered as his imagination filled in the blanks for him. “I just… I can’t understand it. And I’m so smegging scared Rimmer, I thought you were dead. I thought I’d lost you.”

Rimmer stared at the floor, his eyes distant. “You know what used to happen to me Listy, while I was imprisoned. Sometimes it was the only way to get them to leave me be for a while. They couldn't damage me themselves, not like this. But if they thought I'd tried to off myself, they might leave me alone for a few nights, give me a chance to heal. It was all I could hope for sometimes.”

Lister stared at the blood splashed across Rimmer’s torso while his own blood ran ice-cold. “How many times did you wind up doing that to yourself Rimmer?”

Rimmer’s eyes darkened as his brows slanted into a frown, “It’s more than I care to remember Lister. I don’t particularly want to remember it either. I didn’t think it would ever happen again, now that I’m here with you. I clearly wasn’t conscious when I did it. I would never have knowingly exposed you to that, believe me.”

“Rimmer man, you can’t go on like this, you just can’t.” Lister twisted the white towel in his hands before tossing it to the floor in frustration.

“Don’t say that Listy,” Rimmer reached his hands up to hold Lister firmly by the shoulders.

“Rimmer, I laid in bed with you while you chewed your own wrists open to the bone.” Lister suppressed a shudder of revulsion as the image flashed before his eyes. “Who knows what else you might do to yourself? I can’t just sit by and pretend like nothing's wrong when something like this has happened.”

“Listy, please, please don’t do this,” Rimmer pleaded as he squeezed Lister’s shoulders with his fingers. Lister looked down and watched as Rimmer left bloody fingerprints on his skin that kept disappearing and reappearing. “It’s only been a few weeks. You have to remember I was there for hundreds of years, it might take a few months, maybe even a few years, but I can get better. Now that I have you, I know that I can get better. Look, I’m sorry Lister, I’m so sorry. I never thought you would ever have to see anything like this. But please, don’t let this change how you feel about me. I couldn’t bear to lose you, not now. Not after what I’ve been through.”

“Rimmer man,” Lister put a hand to Rimmer’s cheek and stared into his eyes. “Nothing will ever change how I feel about you, you hear me? Nothing. And you won’t ever lose me, I promise. I’m just scared Rimmer, I’m scared of what you’ve been through, I’m scared of this.” Lister gestured at the splashes of blood still decorating Rimmer’s naked torso like paint splashes on a canvas. “I’m scared of how badly you might hurt yourself, scared of something like this happening again.”

“I know Lister, and I’m sorry you’re having to deal with all of this. It must be terrifying for you to see it all from the outside. For me, it’s just how things have been for so long, I forget how abnormal it all is. I’ve lived several lifetimes of this,” Rimmer said as he glanced down at himself. “The life I had with you before was just a tiny blink of normalcy before all of this happened to me.”

“I don’t know how you managed to stand it Rimmer,” Lister said as fought back against hot tears. “I can’t imagine how you survived what you been through, I just can’t. When I think about the things that happened to you, I can’t… I can’t even put into words how it makes me feel. I wish, I wish I could...” _I wish I could take it all away._

“Don’t Listy, please don’t. We have to look ahead, we have to think about what we have now. We can’t change what happened.”

 _Yes I can. I have to. I can’t let you go on like this._ Lister slowly rubbed his hands across his hair and looked into Rimmer’s eyes. It was like looking into the eyes of a wounded animal; pain, desperation and fear were crying out of them. _I have to let you go love, I’m sorry._ The realization hit Lister like a punch in the gut and he had to resist the urge to wince.

Lister stood up, trying to ignore the sick feeling in his stomach. “Look, I can’t think straight when you’re all covered in blood like this, let’s get you cleaned up proper alright?” He reached out a hand that Rimmer silently took. The hologram’s bloodied fingers felt sticky against Lister’s palm and his mind wrestled with the unreality of it all. He could never quite understand how this man who felt so real to him, could be little more than an illusion conjured up by the ship’s computer. _He’s more than that and you know it,_ Lister’s mind lectured at him. _Don’t go pretending he doesn’t mean the smegging world to you, just because he’s a hologram._

Lister turned on the water and stepped into the shower with Rimmer. As the water hit the hologram’s chest and arms, thin pink rivulets wound their way down his torso. Rimmer turned his face to the spray and rinsed the blood from his teeth. Lister watched wordlessly as the last traces of red were funneled down the drain. The hologram turned back to Lister, tiny droplets of water clinging to his eyelashes and curls like snowflakes.

Lister took Rimmer’s hands in his own and pressed the hologram's wrists to his lips, one after another. Rimmer pulled him close so they were stood, chest to chest under the spray of the water. Lister angled his head upwards so he could look into the hologram’s eyes. He wrapped his arms around Rimmer and held him close enough that he could rest his cheek against the hologram’s chest. He could hear Rimmer’s hard-light heart thumping madly. The hologram sighed and lowered his own head so it laid against the top of Lister’s own damp curls.

“I love you Listy,” Rimmer murmured, his voice barely discernable over the sound of the shower.

Lister’s chest ached with the most potent cocktail of emotions he'd ever experienced in his life. He didn't know whether to cry at the sadness of the whole situation, laugh at the ridiculousness of it, or scream at the injustice of it all. He held Rimmer to him with all the strength he could muster in his human arms, and hoped that the hologram wouldn't notice the tears trickling down his cheeks. They stood together wordlessly: the last human being, and the hard-light hologram, while the vastness of space passed silently around them.


	11. Chapter 11

Lister awoke the next morning with Rimmer's arm draped over him. For a fleeting moment he felt at peace with the whole universe, until the events of the previous night came screeching back into his mind. A sour taste filled his mouth and a sense of dread flooded his stomach as the realization of what he needed to do hit him.

_Just one more night?_ Lister thought to himself. _Can't we have just one more night together?_ Lister closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, trying to push all the thoughts from his head and focus on nothing but the feeling of Rimmer against him. _Just one more night to be with him._ His thoughts repeated in his mind, almost like a chant. _One more night of happiness, one more night to be close to him, one more night for us._

_Sure,_ Lister's brain rudely interrupted his meditation. _One more night for him to nearly make himself sick with screaming. One more night for him to forget who you are and rock himself like someone in a padded room. One more night for him to chew and claw himself to bits to try and escape from some crazy people who aren't even there anymore. One more night for him to relive hundreds of years of pain and suffering just because you don't want to lose him._

Reluctantly, Lister opened his eyes to face reality. _There can't be one more night. You've got to quit being such a selfish smegger and finally do what needs doing._

Lister wriggled his way out from under Rimmer's arm. The hologram stirred slightly but his eyes remained closed, his expression soft and peaceful. _Poor Rimmer, he's not had a proper sleep in who knows how smegging long. He must be beyond exhausted._ He knelt beside the bed for just a moment, staring at Rimmer's face. It was a face he'd probably looked at hundreds of times, but he'd only just begun to truly see it. Lister traced the tips of his fingers gently down the hologram's jaw wishing he could capture the moment and preserve the image of Rimmer in his memory. _Nothing lasts forever I suppose,_ he thought dejectedly as he stood up. He left without looking back at Rimmer, his heart feeling like lead in his chest.

Lister muttered, "Lock" quietly as he left their quarters. If they'd still been on Red Dwarf, Lister could have delayed the inevitable talk with Kryten for hours. Back on the giant mining vessel, the mechanoid could have been on any one of the hundreds of decks: mopping, dusting, folding or doing any of the other tidying duties that he so enjoyed. Since they were on the diminutive Starbug, Lister had no excuse to wander the corridors aimlessly. He knew Kryten would be in one of three places.

Lister wanted to find the mechanoid as soon as possible to get everything over with, but he found it difficult to keep his feet moving. He walked down Starbug's corridors slowly and deliberately, his boot-heels drumming out the beat to the somber funeral march that played in his head.

First Lister poked his head into the helm, but there was nothing save the soft glow from the navicomp controls and the autopilot sign. He wound his way to the galley next, the funeral dirge growing slower and more melancholy with each stamp of his boots against the floor. Cat was sitting at a table, his fingers and fangs buried deep in the breast of a roast chicken. He pulled his head back and hissed at Lister. "Get your own chicken! This one is mine! I marked it myself yesterday!"

"Oh cool it man," Lister said as he crossed the room. "I'm just looking for Krytes, have you seen him?"

"Dice-head? Do you really think I take time out of my schedule to keep tabs on him? You know how much time I spend flying this hunk of overgrown kryptonite through space ever since we got Captain Alphabet back and you two went all funny? It is seriously cutting into my eating-time and my sleeping-time, having to fly this trash-heap all by myself. I've got better things to do than to follow Mecha Mister Clean around all day." Cat looked as offended as one can look while holding a roast chicken in midair.

Lister sighed and tucked his hands into his armpits. "Look Cat, I'm real sorry you've been having to take up so much slack because of everything that's been going on."

"Apology duly noted and NOT accepted. Now if you would be so kind, I have a date with a lovely succulent lady with large, firm breasts," Cat replied as he resumed tearing into the chicken.

“Well look, things are going to get back to normal again around here real soon,” Lister said as he swallowed heavily against the lump in his throat.

“Normal? I have been surviving with only 2% of my original wardrobe on this overgrown rust bucket, and you call that normal? You can’t imagine the fashion crimes I’ve had to commit! I’ve already worn this jacket once this week!” Cat looked down at his outfit with disgust.

"It's not been easy for me and Rimmer either you know," Lister said, his voice tinged with exasperation. "It's not like we've been having the time of our lives these last few weeks."

"Judging by the sounds coming from your quarters every night, you're certainly not writing obituaries together," Cat mumbled around a mouthful of fowl.

Lister felt his face grow hot. "It's not that simple though man. Look what do you know anyway? You've never even been in love."

"Of course I have," said Cat as he chewed the last bits of meat from the chicken bones. "I'm in love with three absolutely gorgeous creatures: me, myself, and I." He flashed his pointed teeth and waggled his eyebrows at Lister.

Lister scrunched up his eyes and grimaced. "Why'd I have to smuggle a cat on board? Why couldn't I have picked something more sensible like a dog? A smegging gerbil would have been better."

Cat was too busy admiring his reflection in the shiny surface of his empty plate to bother with a return insult. Lister shook his head as he turned and walked out of the galley. _Why the smeg am I even bothering with him anyway? I'd get a more sympathetic ear if I talked to the condom dispenser in the bog._

Lister deliberately shuffled his feet down the last few corridors, his heart sinking further with each step. He found Kryten exactly where he knew he would be; sorting his various cleaning supplies in the broom cupboard. He paused outside of the door and could hear the mechanoid whistling an annoyingly cheerful tune. Lister leaned his head against the cool metal of the door. He felt sick and dizzy and wanted to lie down, but he knew it was pointless to delay the inevitable any longer. He rapped his knuckles sharply against the door, “Krytes?”

Kryten cracked open the door of the cupboard and poked his head out, “Good morning Mister Lister sir. Were you looking for your breakfast?”

“Not today, not much of an appetite this morning I'm afraid. Could I come in for a minute?” Lister gestured inside the closet.

“Why certainly Mister Lister! I do wish you’d given me some notice beforehand though, I’d have tidied up a bit more!” Kryten stepped aside and let Lister into the cupboard with a formal bow.

Lister shut the door behind him and leaned his back against it. Kryten's numerous mops, brooms and dust pans were all neatly arranged, along with shelves upon shelves of cleaner. There wasn’t a speck of dust or dirt anywhere and Lister wasn't sure what else Kryten could possibly have done to make the cupboard any tidier. He could hear snoring coming from three lumpy objects covered with black cloth on a shelf. _Must be nap time for Kryten's spare heads,_ Lister thought absently. The scent of pine cleaner made the air feel thick and heavy and he was struck with the urge to run away. _Where would I run to though?_

Lister turned to Kryten, his eyes hard and his mouth set in a firm line. “Is there any way we could just repair Rimmer’s memory instead of completely erasing it?”

Kryten shook his head, “I'm afraid not Mister Lister sir. Mister Rimmer's traumatic experiences are completely interwoven with the feelings that he developed for you. There wouldn't be any way to remove one group of memories while retaining the other."

Lister struggled to speak as he clenched and unclenched his jaw. "Then we need to reset him Krytes. Today. As soon as you can.”

Kryten opened his mouth to speak but Lister placed a hand over it before he could get out any words. “Don’t say anything Krytes. I don’t want to hear about how you were right all along, or about how happy you are that I’ve finally come to my senses. I just want to have it done alright?”

“Alright sir,” Kryten mumbled around Lister’s fingers. “What do you plan on telling Mister Rimmer though sir? Surely he will not allow his memory to be erased voluntarily.”

Lister dropped his hand from Kryten’s mouth. “We’ll tell him you’re going to muck with his programming a bit, to see if you can help make the nightmares go away. It’s not completely a lie anyway. Please just get everything set up as quickly as you can. I’ll go get Rimmer.” Lister turned to open the door and Kryten placed a hand on his shoulder.

“Mister Lister sir?”

“What Krytes?”

“I do wish that there had been some other way to resolve this situation sir,” he said as he gave the man’s shoulder a gentle squeeze.

Lister rested his forehead against the cupboard door again and sighed, “So do I Krytes, so do I.” He opened the door and headed back to their quarters.


	12. Chapter 12

Lister stood outside the door of the bunk-room for quite some time, feeling like a man waiting to step up to the gallows. He had so many different emotions churning inside of him that he couldn’t tell which one hurt the most. His voice shook as he quietly said, “Unlock.”

Rimmer was still asleep, curled up in the double-bunk with his back facing Lister, the sheet pulled up to his waist. Lister crept over to the bunk and slid behind him, resting his body fully against the hologram’s. Rimmer let out a soft moan as he settled back against Lister.

Lister pressed his face into Rimmer’s curls and traced his hand along the curves of the hologram’s shoulder and torso. The gentle caresses slowly brought Rimmer out of his sleepy haze and he murmured, “Listy… my beautiful Listy…” as he cuddled closer to Lister.

“You awake Rimmer?” Lister asked as he gently peppered the back of Rimmer’s neck with kisses.

Rimmer yawned, “Either that or I’m having the most wonderful dream of my death.” The hologram stretched as he rolled over onto his back. He looked up at Lister, his hazel eyes warm with happiness. Lister paused to stare back at the hologram for just a moment, hoping that he was doing a good enough job of hiding the despair that he was feeling.

"Get yourself dressed alright? I want you to come down to the medibay with me." It took all of Lister's concentration to keep his voice from shaking.

"The medibay? What for? I thought you prefered me out of my uniform." Rimmer asked, a smile on his face as he toyed with the snaps on Lister's jumpsuit.

"I do, believe me I do," Lister said as he placed his hands over the hologram's. "But Krytes reckons that he might be able to adjust your programming a bit, to help some with the nightmares." Lister bit back a grimace as the lie left his lips.

"Really Listy? You think he might be able to help?" Lister felt ill when he saw the hopeful look on Rimmer's face.

“Kryten thinks so, and I figure it’s worth giving it a go if it could help, yeah?” He gave the hologram a quick peck on the lips and sat up in the bunk. “C’mon, get your kit on.”

Rimmer screwed up his face for a moment and his royal blue uniform materialized over his skin. Lister grasped the hologram's hand and the two of them walked through the doorway together.

Lister kept a firm grip on Rimmer’s hand the entire way to the medibay. It dawned on him that it was the first time they’d ever held hands in “public” and he felt ashamed. Lister had been too worried about offending Cat or sending Kryten into electronic shock to show affection to Rimmer anywhere but in the privacy of their quarters. _Smeg it,_ he thought. _I shouldn’t have ever given a toss what anyone else thought. Now’s me last chance._ He held the hologram’s hand a bit tighter and pulled him closer. If Lister had been slightly taller, they would have been shoulder to shoulder. Lister was too focused on their destination to notice that the hologram was positively beaming with happiness by his side.

Kryten was plugging and arranging several groups of wires, electrodes and sensors when Lister and Rimmer reached the medibay. “Is everything ready to go Krytes?” Lister said as he fought against the urge to tell Kryten it had all been a mistake.

Kryten glanced up at them and and gave a slight double-take at the sight of the clasped hands. Lister pulled Rimmer closer to him and snaked an arm protectively around the hologram’s waist. “Very nearly Mister Lister sir,” said the flustered mechanoid. “ I just need to make a few more connections. Are you ready Mister Rimmer sir?”

“I think so. What exactly do you need me to do?”

“If you would just lay back on the table sir, I need to connect you to the navicomp with some electrodes.” Kryten held up some wires in his hands. Lister walked Rimmer over to the table and reluctantly pulled his arm away. _That’s probably going to be the last time I ever get to do that,_ he thought as his fingers itched to pull Rimmer back. He clenched his hand into a fist and chewed on his thumbnail.

“Oh and could you please give those Chinese worry balls to Mister Lister sir? You wouldn’t want to have anything on your person that conducts electricity.”

“Ah, good thinking Kryten, we wouldn’t want anything going wrong would we Listy?” Rimmer smiled as he passed the ball-bearing sized spheres to Lister.

“No, we sure wouldn’t,” Lister said, his voice flat as he slid the balls into his pocket.

“You sure everything’s going to be tickety-boo?” Rimmer asked as he laid himself out on the table. He glanced up as Kryten began securing the electrodes to the hologram’s forehead and temples.

“Oh everything should be just fine sir, we’ve done things like this before and no one has died yet have they? Of course, there’s a first time for everything!” Kryten snorted as Rimmer’s face fell.

“Kryten? Really not the time right now man,” said Lister with a scowl.

“I’m sorry Mister Lister sir, just trying to lighten up the mood by engaging my humor chip.”

“Whatever man. Is everything ready now?” Lister pulled his thumb away from his mouth and tucked his hands under his arms as he stared down at Rimmer.

“I just need to program a few more lines of code into the navicomp and then everything will be ready to go sir,” Kryten said as he fiddled about with the control panel.

“Alright,” Lister couldn’t hide the slight tremble in his voice as the finality of the moment hit him. He leaned over Rimmer and stroked the hologram's hair as best he could with the crown of wires decorating it.

“Rimmer, there’s something I want to tell you,” Lister said, his voice soft and low.

“What is it Listy? What’s wrong? You’ve been acting peculiar all morning.” A frown creased the hologram’s forehead and made his H emblem twitch.

Lister looked deep into the hologram's eyes as a dam broke within him. Every word he'd been wanting to say for weeks came rushing out in a flood. “I love you Rimmer. I love you so much and I’m sorry that I was too afraid to say it to you until now. I wish I’d said it sooner. I wish I could say it to you a million times, but it would never be enough. You mean the smegging world to me. The smegging universe.” Lister held Rimmer’s head in his hands and kissed him fiercely. Rimmer shivered against Lister and sighed as he returned the kiss.

“Oh Listy,” Rimmer murmured as he pulled away slightly. “You have no idea how happy that makes me. You know how much I love you. How I’ve always loved you.”

Lister kissed Rimmer again, his lungs breathless as he tried to make it a kiss that would last forever. Somewhere very far away, Lister heard Kryten mutter, “Ready to go now sir.” Lister inwardly cursed as he could feel tears squeezing out from the corners of his eyes.

“Listy, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?” Rimmer’s eyes were heavy with worry as he caressed the sides of Lister’s face.

“I have to let you go love. I’m sorry.” Lister pulled himself against Rimmer’s chest and held him tight, unable to look at the hologram’s face.

“Let me go? What do you mean? Lister what’s going on?” Rimmer’s voice became edged with alarm as he pushed against Lister.

“I’m sorry love. I’ll never forget you. Do it Krytes, now!” Lister sucked in a breath and held onto Rimmer with every bit of his strength. Behind him he could hear Kryten tapping at the control panel.

“Listy, no!”

“Goodbye love.”

“No Listy! Listy! Listy! Lister! Lister? Lister! What the smeg are you doing to me you ugly goit?” Lister pulled away from the hologram with a gasp.

“You’ve got some nerve miladdo, pawing over me like I’m the only girl who came to your bar mitzvah.” The hologram sat up and looked down at himself with a grimace. “I’ve only just laundered this uniform you know, now it’ll take me ages to get the stench of eau de Lister out of it.”

Lister’s heart didn’t just break, it shattered into tiny pieces and there was a tiny little Rimmer inside of him, stamping the pieces into the dirt gleefully. Lister slumped back against the wall and struggled to keep his voice from breaking. “Sorry man, I’m afraid… I’m afraid I’m not feeling too well.”

“You’re not feeling too well? It’s always about you isn’t it Lister?” The hologram shook his head and fixed Lister with a look of disapproval. “What are you even doing here? I’m the one who’s supposed to be getting my medical.” Rimmer shook a finger at Kryten, “I demand to know why he was allowed in here while I was being examined. Surely that’s against protocol? I may be a hologram but I am still entitled to my privacy. And what the smeg was he doing slavering all over me?”

Lister began to back out of the room, averting his eyes from the hologram “I’m ill, I’m not well, really. I’ve… I’ve got to go.” Lister turned and ran from the medibay.

Lister doubled over and clutched at his stomach as he ran down the corridor, Rimmer’s insults still ringing in his ears. He fled to the quarters that he’d shared with the hologram and locked the door behind him. He turned his face to the door. Lister couldn't bring himself to look at the room, filled with it’s memories of an intimacy that was forever lost to him. Instead he pressed his forehead to the door, the clinically cold sensation was comforting against his skin.

He felt like a murderer. He'd sentenced his Rimmer to death, and not only had Lister been the judge, he'd also been the one to tell the executioner to drop the axe. He wanted to wail, but the ship was so small that he knew Rimmer and the others would hear him. Instead, he opened his mouth in a silent scream while sobs wracked his body. He clenched his fists and resisted the urge to pound the door to pieces. _The look on his face. He hates me. He hates me and I still love him. I still love him and there’s nothing I can do. He’s gone and I can’t ever get him back now._

Lister felt completely and utterly alone. The person that he loved most in the universe was gone forever, and there wasn’t even anyone to take him out for a pint to soothe his heartache. He slid to the floor and let the despair overtake him as the tears flowed from his eyes. Lister curled into a ball and pressed his hands to his eyes. “Rimmer,” he whimpered. “Rimmer. Rimmer.”

 


	13. Chapter 13

For that entire day and the next, Lister remained in Rimmer’s old room and refused to speak to anyone. Kryten had tried to lure him out, but despite the mechanoid's efforts, Lister remained mute and unresponsive behind the closed door.

Rimmer had angrily pounded on the door and demanded to be let into his quarters for several hours, but Lister had held a pillow over his head and tried to ignore the yelling. Rimmer had finally stormed away, muttering, "Miserable room-swiping gimboid," under his breath. It was difficult for Lister to listen to the voice of this smeghead version of Rimmer who was so different from the version he’d known over the last few weeks. It only made him miss his Rimmer more.

Near the end of the second day, Kryten returned to Lister’s quarters with a tea tray balanced on one arm, and knocked gently on the door.

“Mister Lister sir? Could you please let me in?”

Lister was still slumped against the door. His well of tears had dried up hours ago, so he sat in numb silence spinning the worry balls from Rimmer in his hand.

Kryten knocked a few more times, and the sounds reverberated through Lister’s skull. _Just go away,_ he thought. _Why can’t they just smegging leave me be?_

“Please Mister Lister sir, could I come in for just a moment? I’ve brought you some tea and biscuits.”

Lister sighed dejectedly. He realized that he couldn’t stay locked in that room forever, and as unhappy as he was, he couldn’t deny that his stomach did growl at the mention of biscuits. He could taste the salt of his own tears on his lips as he wet them with his tongue. Suddenly a cup of tea sounded like a very good idea. Lister wavered unsteadily as he pulled himself to his feet. His voice was hoarse as he muttered, “Unlock.”

Kryten marched in, his tray nicely laid out with a pot of tea, milk, sugar, an assortment of Lister’s favorite biscuits and also a small pile of steaming bacon sarnies dripping with French mustard. Lister could have kissed him.

“Here you are Mister Lister sir,” Kryten said setting down his tray. “If you need anything else, please don’t hesitate to let me know.”

Lister cleared his throat and grunted something that he hoped sounded like, “Thanks.” His mouth felt gummy from disuse as he sat down at the table and went to pour himself a cup of tea.

“Mister Lister sir?" Kryten said as he began absently polishing the table with a cloth. "I took the liberty of letting Mister Rimmer know that you’re ill and will have to be quarantined for an unspecified amount of time. He begrudgingly has agreed to let you use his quarters since we do not have an official quarantine area on Starbug.”

Lister nodded as he brought the steaming cup to his lips.

“I told him that you’d contracted an Erosian Parasite,” Kryten said, a smug look coloring his rubbery face. “It’s not really a lie you see sir. Eros is the god of love, so essentially I told him you’d been bitten by the love bug.” Kryten broke into a wheezy bit of laughter, “I was quite proud of myself for coming up with that one Mister Lister sir!”

“Good one Krytes, that’s really class,” Lister croaked out as he bit into a Jammie Dodger.

"I also let Mister Rimmer know an abbreviated version of what happened on Rimmerworld and why we needed to reset his memory, since he had been inquiring about the time discrepancies.” Kryten coughed gently into his fist, “I did not make any mention about the events that happened after we rescued him sir."

“Yeah, that was a good idea Krytes.” Lister looked mournful as he swallowed his first mouthful of biscuit. “Look I appreciate this all, really I do, but I really do just want to be alone now. For a long while, yeah? I just can’t go out there, not right now. I can’t see him like that, not when I still feel the way I do.”

“Of course sir," Kryten said as he put away his rag. "Before I go though, I wanted to give you this.” Kryten handed Lister a tiny cassette tape.

Lister wiped some crumbs from his fingers before taking the tape. “What’s this?”

“It’s Mister Rimmer sir. The Mister Rimmer from Rimmerworld I mean. You see I copied all of his memories onto this before we did the reboot of his memory. I thought you might like to have it,” the mechanoid said with a smile.

Lister held his breath as he looked at the tiny tape pinched between his thumb and index finger. “This is really him Krytes? All of him?”

“All of him,” said Kryten, “All of his memories and everything that he was."

Lister slowly closed a fist around the tape and lowered his head as fresh tears sprang to his eyes. “Thanks Krytes. Really.”

“Not at all Mister Lister sir. Please feel free to page me on the navicomp if you ever need anything else.” Kryten turned and stomped out of the open door, locking it behind him.

Lister stared at the tape and it grew blurry as tears filled his eyes. He stood up and rummaged around in a storage locker for a moment before pulling out a chain with a few dog tags on it. He tossed the tags absently over his shoulder and strung the cassette on the chain. He held it in front of him and watched it swing back and forth before fastening it around his neck. He pressed the tape to his lips and tucked it down into his shirt. _I won’t ever forget you love,_ he thought as he felt the smooth edges of the cassette pressing into his skin. _I promise._


End file.
